where did it go

things don't just disappear
it was right here
I used it yesterday
I looked there
did you take it
this is driving me crazy
where did you put it
if I knew, would I be looking for it
I remember where I used it last
it's not there
where did it go
I need it
this is so annoying
what?
I looked there
I looked there too
over and over
I'm losing my mind
where did it go
retrace your steps
I did
do it again
more slowly
I did
do it again
ok ok
it's gotta be somewhere
what if it's lost
I'll give it one more try
what?
what is that
how could it be
I already looked there
sandwiched in there
you can't blame me
it was between the other two
at least I'm not crazy
what a relief
I knew it was somewhere
but somewhere was nowhere

saving grace

you know, I saved a baby
what do you mean you saved a baby; from what?
it was choking
it was choking?
it was choking, a newborn
where?
I don't know where
what do you mean you don't know where, what?
even if I knew I wouldn't tell you
stop playing games
what games? 
so, tell me
tell you what?
what happened
I was working at 911, the mother called
and...
and I walked her through it, what to do
like what?
turn the baby over, pound the back
pound?
well, not exactly pound
so it worked?
it did
it did?
yes, thank God
or thanks to you
both
both?
both me and God
the three of you?
yeah, okay, then, sure, me, Mom, and God
the baby, too
true, why not, throw the baby in there, too
saving grace
if you say so
I do
fair enough
was that her name?
hunh?
Grace
I don't know, I never found out
good story
it's not a story
but it is
if you say so

Pittsfield aria to myself on a Saturday afternoon

along North Street cascading light its vestiges fading eagle head of my cane poised against the mailbox eagle The Eagle a building posing opiod optics no one seen no one heard vacant lot the tottering totem swaying was that a needle in her hand a long train a-comin' a tall train a-goin' I went down to the station walked The Common the old high school how about that gazebo mother father child reunion flag-draped baby Lake Pond Silver streets Bank Row alley in the shadow Crawford Square the Marketplace wear your mask I'm masked and anonymous why aren't you where was Melville when he wrote Moby Dick here Lolita by the pool her back to me unknown unbeknownst to one and all hibiscus hideaway the tenement testament still standing for all to see beware of the dog private property keep out or is it keep in I can't tell anymore can you

Overwrite Overpass

haven't we been here before
before when
you know, back in December
westbound, not eastbound
we're eastbound now
now I remember
every rest stop
'I Shall Be Released'
over and over again a loop
remember when I said it's over before it began
right
that I'd never see her again
but we're on the other side now
son
brother
going the other way
coming and going
what's the going rate
going and coming
what's the difference
true, what's the diff
this is the other side
the opposite way
no direction home
none at all
my breath smoke in the night
rising halo
the ribbon of road unfurling in the dark
radio silent, CD off
I shall be released
arriving before I get there
but this is the other side
I know, you said that
if you can't erase it
at least record over it
overwrite it
play it backwards
pay it forward
in the rearview mirror
frosted in the skeleton night
still as an anvil
before it lands
I told you so
you didn't want to hear it
I brushed it off
lake-effect snow
on my hair
off your coat
the windshield
wiping the window
back and forth
forth and back
swishing for the clean slate
never slated
barely sated
singsong sing
north of Sing Sing
lunch for one
tea for two
for her and for you
the check, please
let's hit the road
wake up, a little Susie
on the road
you and me
me alone
as I always knew
always will
the ghost of a chance
lost in a dream
as it was in the beginning
is now and ever shall be
world without end
love without beginning

news cycle

I read the news today
you did?
oh boy
oh boy, what?
oh boy, you don't wanna know
I doubt you read the news
what do you mean?
watched, scrolled, clicked, listened but not read
those were the days, print journalism
I clicked the news today
doesn't sound right, does it
clickbait
I tell them turn it off
who
anybody
it's too much
tune out, turn off, and drop out
history rewritten
it's all too much
history is the nightmare
from which I am trying to awake
or never wake up
change the channel
click the remote
no more dials
cable news
so-called
dial-up
hit me up
leave me alone
turn it off
cut the cord
unplug
switch the channel
turn it off
recycled rubbish
toxic waste
asbestos we can
cut the cable
endless entropy
blank screen
like The Sopranos
the end
the reaper
go dark
blink
no news today
oh boy
oh girl
oh them
oh us

what's your story

so, how did it end?
how did what end?
how did the story end?
I don't know
what do you mean, you don't know?
the story's not over
what?
like I said, the story's not over
it's still being written
in a manner of speaking, yes
for that matter it's never over
you could say that
for every story
who's writing it?
or editing it
but really stop messing with me
I'm not messing with you
everybody wants to know how it ends
we all want that
closure
finality
clarity
tidy, wrapped up
you know how the story ends but you're not telling me
no, I really don't know, I'm not lying
can't you make something up?
of course I could 
so go ahead
that's phony
why
the story writes itself
here we go again
let it ride
live the question
Rilke
the mystery
wabi-sabi
imperfect
unfinished
not lasting
that?
something like that
more or less
there's your story

mother superior jumped the gun

my dear Mother Superior
yes, my child
my dear Father Superior
go on, my child
I can't seem to keep my vows
which ones, my little one?
well, all of them
oh?
oh
especially my Vow of Silence
dear me
woe is me
we can see that
or is it woe is I?
technically
technically is this breaking the vow?
we haven't gotten that far, digitally
the spirit of the law versus the letter
something to consider
to weigh
to ponder
there's that old joke about the Vow of Silence
which one?
there can't be that many
the one about the person who meets with the Superior once a year
oh, that one
and is asked, how are things going?
right
I remember now
cold food
a year later, stiff bed
the year after that, cold room
right
and then expelled
yes
"all you ever do is complain"
tossed out
that's the one
exited, to the curb
there's the door
knew it!
 

law and order

the meeting will come to order
who called for a meeting?
do we have a quorum?
you all received a copy of the agenda
oh, no we didn't
I didn't get the minutes from last time
me either
me neither
my hand is up here
the meeting will come to order
what meeting?
I was just walking by
me too
me three
what's the topic?
or topics?
does anyone have a gavel?
we'll start with a prayer
the hell we will
there are no banners allowed, sir
it's not a banner
no banners, ma'am
can we please come to order?
I pay my taxes
actually, you don't
that's a fact
everyone here knows that
you don't either
order, please, order
we'll begin with the pledge of allegiance
that's the wrong flag
who says?
will someone read the minutes?
call the sergeant at arms
why?
knock some sense into you
and you
you too
youse
and you
not me
not us
we already have a tank here
we do?
in the back of the auditorium
who could miss it?
that's not a tank
it sure is, it's mine
yours?
sure, a BV202 Mk II
how'd you get it here?
I drove it, who's gonna stop me?
order, can we have some damn fuckin order
watch your fuckin language
your honor
you don't have any honor
you never did
even a tank can't bring order
jeez
it's Swedish, a Volvo
Volvo? they're known for safety
I feel very safe in this tank
where'd you get it?
online, 25 grand, Sweden
does it work?
of course it works
it does?
it does?
it just did
no, it didn't
it sure did
right, it didn't
we still can't bring this meeting to order
can't get it off the ground
off the ground?
bring in airborne
I have friends
amphibious too
lucky you
friends with jets
and choppers
friends who have friends
bring 'em on
neutralize the zone
call 'em in
we'll finally have some order around here
amen
I thought we weren't praying?
amen
 

talking points

we never talk
yes we do
I mean talk talk
we do, what about right now
you call this talking
it's not barking woof woof
that's what I mean
what do you mean
see, it's just a big joke to you
what exactly do you want to talk about
what do you want to talk about
real stuff, honest shit
like what
I don't know
like sex
no
no
secrets
maybe, maybe so
dirty little secrets
little white lies
or any color
how about lists
like what
things you hate
or that scare you
now you're talking
I suppose
what else
things
resentments
fears
acts of shame
Tupperware parties
violent fantasies
sexual
Midwestern
Republican
that tiny voice in the head
to make you laugh
or cry
that too
now you're talking
if you say so
give me my pillow
turn off the light
set the alarm
don't snore
I'll try
how
stop talking
shush

St. Inquisitive

I could have, couldn’t I? I wish I had. Why didn’t I? What was I thinking? (Before you go there, neuroscientists long ago demonstrated no difference between thinking and feeling.) Having gone that far, having done such doings, said such words, I could have hit the brakes, paused, slowed down, or — gasp! — come to a stop, sure, a rolling stop, the kind cops give tickets for, but a stop nevertheless, even if the word and the action were adorned in demurring, qualifying quotation marks, in Helvetica bold ital. Or a complete stop. Stop right there. On the other hand, in the other brain hemisphere, what if I couldn’t have? Given who I was then, the accumulated detritus and virtue coursing through my blood making me who I was in that time and place, who is to say those parameters allowed any choice whatsoever? With that notion percolating, go back, rewind the tape, as in the days of reel-to-reel tape recorders, and record again, record over the first take, what we now call overwrite or reboot in computer parlance, and say, “I couldn’t have, couldn’t I?” And the absurdly laughable Samuel Beckettish logic-and-illogic shotgun marriage of it all says, What’s the difference? Tell me, tell them, tell us the difference between could and couldn’t, between did and didn’t. I fail to fathom, plumb or plunder, any real or imagined difference. You vehemently shout: Of course, it makes a difference, it makes all the difference in the world, your world. Says you. I’m not playing with belly-button lint here. I’m not semantically self-abusing here (to use the lusciously lubricious term the Roman Catholic pre-Confession Examen of Conscience employed in the days of my seminary youth, etymological pun intended. Is there anything more oxymoronic than “self-abuse” as a term applied to self-administered pleasure? Can any two fused words say more about a generation? It is LOVL [laugh out very loud] now but not then, when we needed a St. Portnoy to save us). But I digress, and not because of perfume from a dress, Mr. Prufrock. Or do I digress? This metaphysical monologue, this diction-ated debate, on could vs. couldn’t is no dodge, no escape from responsibility. It’s an honest question twinned in pain and peril: Could I have gone another way? Could I not have gone another way? With or without the “not,” it’s the same question. Alas, after all this, after every self-administered midnight polygraph exam, after infinite Torquemada auto-interrogations on rack and ruin, I am finally brave enough to cry, Tighten the screws, have at it, boiling oil and all, ask it from every angle and in every tone of voice! 

I can’t for the life of me answer Yes or No.

And I blithely shout, It doesn’t matter.

heavy mental

I'm going to give you an address, and say it three times, and a little while later ask you to repeat it back to me.
Okay. I can do that. All righty.
John Smith 42 High Street Bedford.
That's a weird address.
What do you mean?
I mean, it's a name and an address.
That's what I meant.
Then say what you mean.
I just did.
Never mind. On with the exam.
Do you smoke?
No.
Drink?
No.
Are you a Mormon or Seventh Day Adventist or Muslim?
None of the above, but none of your business.
Do you exercise?
Sometimes.
Tell me the address.
The address? Or the name and the address?
You know.
No, I don't, but here goes.
John Smith 42 High Street Bedford.
Excellent!
Says you.
Are you angry?
Be honest, is that one of your listed questions?
None of your business.
Are you angry?
John Smith 42 High Street Bedford.
What about Pocahontas? And is it Bedford Falls, like George Bailey?
I can't say.
Can't or won 't?
I don't know.
John Smith 42 High Street Bedford.
What?
You heard me.
I did. I think I did.
Bedford New York? Like Bedford Hills?
They didn't say.
Who?
The people who . . .
The ones who . . .
The people ones?
The ones who gave us the address.
The name and the address.
Those too.
The toos.
Them.
Us.
Us versus them.

hackronyms

sorry, excuse me

no, you're fine

yeah, no

you're good

thanks, yeah, thank you

you're fine

sorry, no, I thought . . .

no, yeah, you're good

appreciate that

like, why wouldn't you be good?

yeah, no

it's all good, life is good

I hear ya

so . . .

"fine"

so fine; there was a song

before my time

c'mon, you've heard it, catchy

"doo-lang, doo-lang"

that's it!

"he's so fine"

the Chiffons

yes! yes!

sexy

catchy

so fine

FINE

hunh?

frustrated insecure needy enraged

hunh, what?

F-I-N-E

oh, I get it, clever

like fucked-up insolvent neurotic effete

two can play this game

fine

fraudulent intolerant nasty excoriating

oooh

friendly innocent naive enthusiastic

pshaw

no, yeah

yeah, no

yeah

yeah

yeah, yeah, yeah

excelsior

what floor you get off?

excuse me?

4, hit 4

2, let me out at 2

you can't walk that?

where do you get off?

that's my business

hey let me out, hold the door

too late

really? I told you 2

sorry

no, youi're not

4, I'm getting out at 4

we heard you the first time

everybody heard 2 but what good did that do?

I know, right?

you people

it's not like it's your elevator

4, hold the door

too late

are you shittin' me?

let's go up to 7, I've never been up there

you know, you'ree fuckn crazy, there is no 7

who says?

who says?!

reality says

what's reality?

stop! don't start with that crazy shit, just let me off! anywhere!

me too, stop!

stop it yourself

we will, we have, we did

where you get off? what floor?

who? me? none of your business

I can't get the door to open

this is hell

purgatory at best

call the super

I am the super

let me out

yeah, let me out

let us out

feed my lambs

did you feed the kids

what kids

our kids

as in goats kids

no, silly

oh, those kids

yes, those kids

but, they're all grown.

they are

since when

since they were emancipated, and not by proclamation, either

i do declare, a declaration not a proclamation

yes, you do declare

so they feed themselves

on a good day, yes

what do they feed themselves

depends

on what

they forage

you don't say

I do say, proclaim, and declare

they forage, rummage, hunt, and ferret out

but is it organic?

there's nothing more organic

you don't say

I do, redux

I took Latin, too

I took Latin 3 and Latin 4

Well, veni, vidi, vici to you

Amen

That's not Latin

What is it

I dunno, Hebrew. Maybe Aramaic.

Ain't you a smarty pants!

Amen.

I'm going back to sleep.

Did you feed the kids?

#change

That'll be $4.59.
Here's a five.
See the sign? We need exact change. Or cc or dc.
What's cc or dc?
Credit card or debit card.
I don't got none of that.
How much for three donuts, not four?
There's people waiting in line.
I have a mask on, calm down.
I ain't talkin' 'bout no mask. Exact change.
What about three?
Three what?
Donuts.
$3.29.
These are weird-ass prices, yo.
Which is it?
Which is what?
Three or four donuts?
How about five for five dollars.
Sorry. Nope. I told you, people are in line.
And I told you, I got a mask.
We're not talking about that. I told you, c'mon. Next!
Next? What?
Exact change, man.
Why exact change?
Coin shortage.
I don't believe that fake news.
That's what the sign say.
I can read. The mask ain't covering my fuckin eyes.
You don't gotta talk like that.
Like what?
Like that. Next.
Here. Just take the five. I don't need no change. Just take it. Gimme my damn cinnamon donuts.
I don't have no change. I told you.
Any.
Any what?
Any change. You don't have any change.
Correct. No change.
But you do. I just saw it in the drawer. Don't lie about it.
I ain't lying. Exact change.
Take the fuckin five. Here.
Next.
Have a fuckin nice day.
Next.