saving grace

you know, I saved a baby
what do you mean you saved a baby; from what?
it was choking
it was choking?
it was choking, a newborn
where?
I don't know where
what do you mean you don't know where, what?
even if I knew I wouldn't tell you
stop playing games
what games? 
so, tell me
tell you what?
what happened
I was working at 911, the mother called
and...
and I walked her through it, what to do
like what?
turn the baby over, pound the back
pound?
well, not exactly pound
so it worked?
it did
it did?
yes, thank God
or thanks to you
both
both?
both me and God
the three of you?
yeah, okay, then, sure, me, Mom, and God
the baby, too
true, why not, throw the baby in there, too
saving grace
if you say so
I do
fair enough
was that her name?
hunh?
Grace
I don't know, I never found out
good story
it's not a story
but it is
if you say so

mother superior jumped the gun

my dear Mother Superior
yes, my child
my dear Father Superior
go on, my child
I can't seem to keep my vows
which ones, my little one?
well, all of them
oh?
oh
especially my Vow of Silence
dear me
woe is me
we can see that
or is it woe is I?
technically
technically is this breaking the vow?
we haven't gotten that far, digitally
the spirit of the law versus the letter
something to consider
to weigh
to ponder
there's that old joke about the Vow of Silence
which one?
there can't be that many
the one about the person who meets with the Superior once a year
oh, that one
and is asked, how are things going?
right
I remember now
cold food
a year later, stiff bed
the year after that, cold room
right
and then expelled
yes
"all you ever do is complain"
tossed out
that's the one
exited, to the curb
there's the door
knew it!
 

law and order

the meeting will come to order
who called for a meeting?
do we have a quorum?
you all received a copy of the agenda
oh, no we didn't
I didn't get the minutes from last time
me either
me neither
my hand is up here
the meeting will come to order
what meeting?
I was just walking by
me too
me three
what's the topic?
or topics?
does anyone have a gavel?
we'll start with a prayer
the hell we will
there are no banners allowed, sir
it's not a banner
no banners, ma'am
can we please come to order?
I pay my taxes
actually, you don't
that's a fact
everyone here knows that
you don't either
order, please, order
we'll begin with the pledge of allegiance
that's the wrong flag
who says?
will someone read the minutes?
call the sergeant at arms
why?
knock some sense into you
and you
you too
youse
and you
not me
not us
we already have a tank here
we do?
in the back of the auditorium
who could miss it?
that's not a tank
it sure is, it's mine
yours?
sure, a BV202 Mk II
how'd you get it here?
I drove it, who's gonna stop me?
order, can we have some damn fuckin order
watch your fuckin language
your honor
you don't have any honor
you never did
even a tank can't bring order
jeez
it's Swedish, a Volvo
Volvo? they're known for safety
I feel very safe in this tank
where'd you get it?
online, 25 grand, Sweden
does it work?
of course it works
it does?
it does?
it just did
no, it didn't
it sure did
right, it didn't
we still can't bring this meeting to order
can't get it off the ground
off the ground?
bring in airborne
I have friends
amphibious too
lucky you
friends with jets
and choppers
friends who have friends
bring 'em on
neutralize the zone
call 'em in
we'll finally have some order around here
amen
I thought we weren't praying?
amen
 

talking points

we never talk
yes we do
I mean talk talk
we do, what about right now
you call this talking
it's not barking woof woof
that's what I mean
what do you mean
see, it's just a big joke to you
what exactly do you want to talk about
what do you want to talk about
real stuff, honest shit
like what
I don't know
like sex
no
no
secrets
maybe, maybe so
dirty little secrets
little white lies
or any color
how about lists
like what
things you hate
or that scare you
now you're talking
I suppose
what else
things
resentments
fears
acts of shame
Tupperware parties
violent fantasies
sexual
Midwestern
Republican
that tiny voice in the head
to make you laugh
or cry
that too
now you're talking
if you say so
give me my pillow
turn off the light
set the alarm
don't snore
I'll try
how
stop talking
shush

echo chamber

Say it again. And again n n n n . Re-re-re-re-reverb erb erb erb. Anyone here? Anyone hear? Echo and Narcissus. Waves. Repercussions. Re-echo. sierra echo x-ray. A room of one's own. Cathedral choral. Chamber music. Sacred sound. Ordinary space. Ordinary sound. Rippling. Less less less less less gone. Repeat beat. Narcissus and Echo. Solo. Vox. Voice. Void. Hollow. Hallow. Hollow. Hallow. Hollow.

lag time

You said it didn't bother you.
It didn't.
So what's the big problem then.
It's not a problem. It bothers me now, though.
Why now.
I don't know. There's a lag time.
Lag time.
Yeah, I need time to process things.
Process. Like a food processor. Or a word processor.
No. Nothing like that.
So, it's like what.
It's like nothing. I just need time to process. My emotions.
Lag time.
Correct.
What do they lag behind.
What.
I said, what do those emotions lag behind.
Nothing. Forget I mentioned it.
Is it like jet lag.
I said drop it.
Laggard.
Name-caller. Haggard name-caller.

different

We put in the new fridge.
When I was gone?
Everything should be all set.
Good. Thanks.
Let us know if you have any problems. The settings work. You should be okay now. Your freezer works, the bottom part, too.
Okay. Thanks again.
We'll see.
How's it working?
It was working fine. Just fine. Should be okay.
That's good. That's good. Glad to hear. Thanks again.

Hey, how's that fridge?
Oh. My new refrigerator.
Everything okay?
It seems to be all right. I put some water in a plastic container to see if it freezes. I did that for the top and the bottom. The freezer. And the regular, whatever you call that part. The refrigerator.
And?
Does what it's supposed to do. Freezer and nonfreezer. So far, so good.
Figured it would. Perfect.
There's one thing. Not exactly perfect. I almost don't want to mention it. It's . . . 
What's that? The temperature ain't right?
No, no, no.
What?
No, yeah. No, never mind.
C'mon, what?
It's nothing. Nothing really. It's . . . 
Tell me.
The doors.
Oh! That! Yes, we know they're on backwards.
It's not really backwards. I mean, the doors work and everything. They're just different. Now I have to open from the right side.
Give us a few days.
I can adjust. Really.
No problem. We'll fix it.
Well, it's not really broken. It's . . . 
We'll fix it.
You don't have to. I was going to make it a little challenge every day. I keep grabbing for the handle on the left side. I forget. But I'll learn.
Yeah, yeah. We'll fix that next week.
The doors are really perfectly fine. They're just different. Nothing's really wrong. I feel so silly.
We'll fix it. Hits the cabinets, right?
No. Not really.
We're gonna fix it. I'll call you next week.
It's just different.
Have a good day.
You, too.

ghost town

I'll get back to you
Text me
Call me
No reply (Beatles song)
The sounds of silence (Simon & Garfunkel)
wyd
What's up
Hey you
Hey there
'Sup
Nothing said
Null set
Crickets
But they said they'd...
Lost my contacts
new phone, who dis
But he said that
Zero-sum game
Ghosted me
But she said that
Ghosted
I'll get back to ya
I was drying my hair
My dog died
Do you believe in ghosts
Did you get my text
Blocked
Disappeared
Pristine
clean slate
call security
can you hear me now
How about now
They said I made the short list
She promised
I was supposed to get a callback
Can you hear me
He promised
Not even crickets
What happened
They promised
Whatever
Dead air
Still waiting
on hold
 

double identity indemnity

Hey, aren't you . . . ?
No, yeah, no. Wait. Aren't you . . . ?
Who? I don't think so. I'm . . . 
Aren't you what's-his-name . . . ?
Heh, heh, anybody can be what's-his-name.
Huh huh, got you.
Like I said, I'm . . . 
Yeah, right. You look just like him. You know, he . . . 
I guess you're right. I do look like him.
Totally.
It's been a while, hasn't it.
It has. Truly.
You're good?
I'm good. You?
Been better.
What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong. The regular stuff.
The regular stuff.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah. But you can tell me. After all we've been through.
After all we've been through.
It's nothing.
Come on.
Naw, it's nothing.
I can tell it's something.
A minute ago you were acting like you hardly knew me.
Me? No way.
Yes. Remember?
Yeah, no. I don't know. Maybe. Whatever.
It'll pass.
What will?
It's nothing. Like I said.
I get it.
Yeah.
Hey, I gotta get uptown. I'll hit you up later.
Yeah. Me too. Yeah. Hit me up later.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
Shrill screech of subway brakes as train pulls in to station.

the static

like, you know; turn the dials on the Hallicrafters short-wave radio like safecrackers; dive bombers; know what I'm sayin; shrill metallic blast; gurgling high-pitched twirling; ya know; crackling hum; intergalactic buzzsaw; in my opinion; galvanic thrumming; Radio Moscow; I know, right; shockwave echoing; lol; electronic pulsating stammering; shrill feedback; ear-splitting waterfallish avalanche; Vatican Radio; yeah, no; tin stuttering; galloping burping; infinite clanging; Radio Nederland Hilversum; LOL; yeah, no, I know, right; BBC World Service; wave-rippling cool giggling trickle; broken-muffler mauling; know what I mean; sandy sandpaperish sifting; harsh endless high-volume whispering; like; right  

we need to talk

The door opens.
We need to talk.
The door closes.
We need to talk.
About what?
You know.
No, I don't.
You know: that.
What that?
Oh. That that.
Yeah.
So what do you want to say?
I don't know. Nothing.
What should we talk about?
You made me feel . . .
I made you feel?
Stop interrupting.
I'm not --
I'm confused.
I'm lost.
Remember that time when . . .
No, I don't remember that time when . . .
Think back.
What did you feel?
Chills.
Chills?
And fever.
That was hot.
And cold. Freezing.
What were we talking about?
I forgot.
You never said.
I didn't?
We need to talk more.
We do. Like this?
Like this. Or like something. I don't know.
Why not?
Stop.
Why don't you answer?
Sometimes it's like you're speaking a foreign language.
Which one?
You speak in tongues.
Sounds sexy.
Stop.
Can you learn that on Duolingo?
I suppose.
We need to do this again.
Word.
Word for word.
Ditto.

the eyes have it

Are you laughing at what I just said? Smirking?
I didn't say anything. No, I was not laughing. Or smirking, as you call it.
But your eyes are smirking.
Eyes can't smirk.
Yes, they can. You just proved it. Look at yourself.
I can't look at myself. That's impossible, like 'watch your head.'
But your eyes are still smirking, mocking me.
If you say so. Speaking of which, please stop yelling at me.
I'm not yelling.
You're yelling at me with your eyes.
Eyes can't yell.
To quote someone in this conversation, 'Yes, they can.'
Where are we going with this?
Who said anyone's going anywhere?
I just want to be clear.
Is that possible?
For us?
For anyone.
Does it matter?
You know, it's all about the journey, not the destination blah blah blah.
What time is it? I have to go.
Does anybody really know what time it is? Go? Go where?
Anywhere but here.
Here we go again.
Then close your eyes.
Don't get lost now.
Too late. 

he said she said they said it said

[insert smartphone text notification sound after each entry below, as appropriate, or inappropriate: piano tinkling, bell chime, shotgun, thunder, guitar twang, lion's roar, fart, burp, post-orgasmic sigh, trumpet blare, car horn, alarm, jet roar . . . ]

Dad: where are you?

Mom: hey, you.

Girlfriend: wyd

Friend A: 'sup?

Brother: hi there

Dad: frown emoji

Ex-gf from 1986: Where ya been all my life?

Sister:  where've you been today

Friend B: wtf

Girlfriend: wya

Friend C: wanna hang out

Ex-gf from 2015: Netflix n chill?

Girlfriend: whats your problem

Sprint: your bill is available online

Other brother: you got 20 bux till tmrw???

Friend C: hey, can I borrow like 20$

Mom: hello????!!???

Girlfriend now ex-gf: fuck offfuck you, you fuk and I'm pregnant

Dad: do you have the keys to the Mustang?

Ex-gf from 2018: I had your baby did you know dat

Friend A: u alive?

Ex-gf from 2015: Im in Kazakhstan dickface

Sister: u no i luv you dontcha

Mrs. Rivers, 7th grade English teacher: it's a gerund; know it now!

National Grid: your bill is overdue. your power will be cut off . . .  

Sister Mary Aloysius Gonzaga de Porres: that's a mortal sin

Dad: HELLO?

Brother: are you coming over now or not?

Dr. Ozcomert: are you breathing?

John Angleterre, boss:  Please be advised your position, and you in that position, have been terminated. Do not enter the premises under any circumstances under pain of arrest.

Sister: g'night love you talk tmrw

Private Number: Your appointment with Probation has been canceled. Please be advised it would be prudent if you were to assume a new name and Social Security number. Leave town now. Better yet, if you have a passport, leave the country. STAT.  

Assumption Day

The food delivery app cowbell sounded, meaning here's an offer to accept or reject. The pickup was at the Brooklyn Pickle. I live close enough to walk there. I often have, even in driving snow. I arrived. I clicked on the "arrived" button on my phone screen. The app didn't respond. A series of prompts in effect said proceed anyway. Then the young woman behind the counter said, "We don't have an order under that name; are you sure it isn't the other Brooklyn Pickle?" Slap of the forehead. Doh moment. Sure enough, looking more closely at my phone screen, it was the sandwich shop on the other side of town.

I assumed it was the Brooklyn Pickle where I had picked up food half a dozen times. I never considered the possibility that it could be the other one.

So much for assumptions.

Good thing it wasn't in Brooklyn.

I had made a realistic and reasonable assumption, given the data available, given the weight of my personal history, my proximity, and the app's fine-tuned propensity to cherrypick close places. They know where I am!

A realistic and reasonable assumption but wrong just the same.

It didn't especially rattle me. It was my first assignment of the day, and I wasn't going to let this assumptive hiccup throw me off stride.

While en route to deliver the next order, small enough to pass up, the app informed be "$0.00 tip." WTF? Cheapskate! As I was driving, I formulated potential responses:

Lose some of the food.

Squash it.

Eat it.

No. None of that.

Try some finesse.

Tell the person: "You better check your app."

Oh yeah, why is that?

"The tip feature must be frozen."

Could I go against my grain and deliver the malfunctioning app line without rancor, with an unctuous and ingratiating smile like Eddie Haskell on "Leave It to Beaver"? Not likely. But worth a try, to make a point

I entered the customer's residential complex, a sprawling mini-campus of four buildings, all with locked sliding intercom-controlled gates.

I called the guy, politely telling him to come on out and meet me by the gate. Since he didn't give me a tip, I wasn't about to ask him to open the gates so I could then conveniently proceed to the front door at the top of the hill. Make him work a little, make him pay for his stinginess.

He sauntered down.

We exchanged cordial greetings.

Just before I was about to hand him the food, he handed me three folded bills, American currency.

We delivered mutual hearty thank yous. They sounded sincere, his and mine.

So much for assumptions, the sequel.

I was relieved I had not impetuously launched into my gift-wrapped rebuke. Plus, I felt kind of stupid, and small.

I readily say that now, in hindsight, but I know what I was capable of, on the negative and on the false-positive side. And it all rode on the train of a false assumption.

Human Assumption Encounters (HAEs) populate my day, every day. I assume:

• they got the text
• they read the text, or understood it they way I intended
• they got and listened to the voicemail
• the driver in the other vehicle saw me or saw my signal
• you heard what I said and got the meaning I was trying to deliver
• you understood my motive and tone
• what the other's silence meant
• what the facial expression signified
• what the tone of voice signified  
• why someone did this or that
• why someone didn't do this or that
• why I got no reply
• why the service was slow, incomplete, or in error
• the reason for the long line or the delay 

I assume you face the same or similar HAEs in your day, too. 

remembrance of things past, and present

I'll talk to you soon.
See you soon. 
You said you'd talk to me soon.
I did.
You said you'd see me soon.
Correct. 
What happened.
Nothing.
What about talking to me soon.
I did.
No, you didn't.
What do you mean.
Exactly.
What do you mean, what do you mean.
I mean you didn't talk to me soon, or see me soon.
Yes, I did.
No, you didn't.
I don't want to argue about it.
I'm not arguing.
You're not arguing.
We're not arguing.
Then what is this.
Never mind.
Never mind what.
Where are you going.
Who said I'm going anywhere.
You're going.
I'm going to go.
When will I see you again.
See you soon.
Soon.
Talk to you soon.
I'm going too.
Where.
Not far.
Pretty close.
When are you coming back.
Soon.
You're saying soon.
I think so.
We'll get together soon.
We'll talk soon.
I'll text you.
Text me.
Soon.