Hat Trick!

Today has been a banner day:

solid work prospects

and

a Washington Post Style Invitational three-peat:

Report From Week 749

in which we asked you to come up with entirely new meanings for existing words beginning with A- through H-, so that "Opus" cartoonist Berkeley Breathed wouldn't have to use our old ones anymore:

The Empress received untold zillions of entries for this contest -- so many that she's spreading the results over this week and next, with two sets of prizes. Kevin Dopart of Washington alone sent 288 entries. So when you see his name over and over below, just remember that the vast majority of Kevin's entries were blithely tossed into the trash, just as yours were.

Some of the results play a little hard to get, as it were: You have to pronounce the vowels in the word differently or break the syllables differently, or both. For example, "Headdress: Mister," by (who else) Kevin Dopart, is supposed to be read "he-address." Entries firmly of this type are italicized.

We also received some very clever descriptions of the words' actual meanings. Among the best of these was "Head cold: Rheum at the Top," by Chris Doyle. We'll do that contest again sometime, too.

4. Book: Ms. Derek, now that she's no longer a 10. (Alistair Beck, North Saanich, B.C., a First Offender)

3. Conning tower: A Madison Avenue skyscraper. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

2. the winner of the "Many Moods of Farrah" doll-head shadow box:

Cremate: Coffee-Mate's unsuccessful initial brand name. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the Winner of the Inker
Arms Akimbo: The notorious Nigerian gunrunner. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Low Def: Honorable Mentions

Abjectness: The degree to which your belly protrudes. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Adverb: Buy! (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England)

Accordion: The result of a Honda's collision with a Peterbilt. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Alabaster: How a lesbian couple's baby might be conceived. (Jean Lightner Norum, Charlottesville)

Algebra: Lingerie worn by mermaids. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Apostle: What a Bostonian takes to the post office. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Arsenal: Completely, all-inclusive. (Bird Waring, New York)

Aspiration: the trickle of sweat that runs down past your back on a hot summer day. (Morris Davis, Gainesville, a First Offender)

Ballpark: An athletic supporter. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

Bandage: Instruments, amps, mikes, cocaine, etc. (Tom Witte)

Bandicoots: The Rolling Stones. (Gary Hevel, Silver Spring)

Barfly: To get airsick. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Barstool: The [stuff] a lawyer tells you. (Russell Beland)

Bassoonist: An optimistic fisherman. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

Bedpan: An unfavorable MySpace review after a hookup. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Benchmark: Telltale sign on the rear end of a third-string player. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

Biceps: Half of a forceps. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Binary: This is another thing that's true of Iran. -- M. Ahmadinejad (Kevin Dopart)

Blunderbuss: To French-kiss your boss's wife at the office Christmas party. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Bombard: A battlefield poet. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Boron: A chem major at a party. (Kevin Dopart)

Braid: The part of the male consciousness that drives him to look at a women's chest. (Russell Beland)

Bristling: A newly circumcised baby. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Bumpkin: A hit man from the Family. (Beverley Sharp)

Buttonhole: What Asians call a Western toilet. (Dan Ramish, Vienna)

Camel toe: The toe of a camel. (Peter Metrinko)

Cardamom: A bar's policy to flatter middle-aged women by always asking for ID. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

Catapult: A hairball. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Charmed: Burn ointment. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis)

Cherish: Describing many a drag queen. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Coliseum: Lassie finds Timmy. (Ellen Raphaeli)

Crayfish: Not nearly as impressive as IBM chess. (Kevin Dopart)

Cryptic: The Triple-A Driving Tour of Famous Cemeteries. (Mel Loftus)

Cupola: Breast enhancement scams. (Pawlie Kokonuts, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Danger: Someone who uses only the mildest swear words. (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.)

Davenport: A safe place for Jews to pray. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Distribute: A nasty eulogy. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Dowager: To bet on the Pillsbury Bake-Off. (Phyllis Reinhard)

Eggs Benedict: The pope's edict on fertility treatments. (Pawlie Kokonuts)

Effrontery: The missionary position. (Tom Witte)

Electrocute: Use a Hello Kitty taser. (Kevin Dopart)

Electrons: Supporter of Rep. Paul -- highly charged, with an eccentric orbit. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Empty-handed: Punished by a Saudi court. (Chris Doyle)

Exorbitant: A former astronaut. (Phyllis Reinhard)

Fahrenheit: Moderately tall. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)

Fan letter: K. (Chris Doyle)

Flaccid: Lousy LSD. (Randy Lee, Burke)

Flatus: The region between the Appalachians and the Rockies. (Randy Lee)

Foliage: A class of congressional pages. (Dan Ramish)

Gamma ray: Norma's nana. (Phyllis Reinhard)

G-spot: A mild reproach to a dog. (Duncan Seed)

Halitosis: The disease your computer gets when it refuses to do what you want it to do. (Bill Spencer, Baltimore)

Harlot: Someone who'll laugh on and on at any stupid joke the boss makes. (Pawlie Kokonuts)

Hispanic: What Lou Dobbs demonstrates every time he opens his mouth about immigration. (Christopher Lamora)

Hoaxer: Jack the Ripper. (Phyllis Reinhard)

Hootenannies : A restaurant where all the waitresses are grandmas in tight T-shirts. (Mel Loftus)

Hungarian: Someone who's always on a diet. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Next Week: More of the Same, or The Language Gone to H

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