Oral fixation, it's not just what you think. Oh sure, my oral fixation is shamelessly succulent (well, given my strict Catholic upbringing, redact that to "shamefully") and mammary. Add to that addictiveness a new oral fixation, quite literally a fix-ation.
Let me explain.
The ear-nose-throat doctor-cum-dentist tells me it's TMJ that is at the root of my non-root-canal jaw pain. (You people need to get your minds out of the pig trough: cum here is from Latin and means with. And it ain't pronounced like that word in skin mags. [The Merriam-Webster link has a pronunciation sound bite.] Besides, it's high-class porn we aim for here anyway.) More accurately, he noted that TMJ describes a muscle and bone structure, not a syndrome.
So, my oral fix-ation consists of a number of things:
1) putting ethyl chloride on the skin outside my jaw and near my ear and temple. That's kind of cool, literally. It creates a freezing. The cotton ball makes a crinkling sound. Do athletes and ballet dancers spray this directly on, say, a pulled hamstring? I imagine the danger is that in merely masking the symptoms you incur greater injury.
2) Megadoses of naproxen (Aleve), which I'm not fond of.
3) Which brings me tonight's topic: I'm supposed to do this jaw exercise:
-- Place tongue on roof of mouth.
-- Open to approximately half of normal opening; keep tongue in place. Open for 10 seconds; rest 15 seconds.
-- Repeat for 6 times, 3 times a day. After 2 days, increase to 12 times, 3 times a day. After 2 more days, increase to 18 times, 3 times a day. After 3 days, change your name to Pinocchio or any wooden marionette of your choosing. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Right.
Just picture it.
I look like one of those choirboys-cum-eunuchs on a Christmas card.
Or in a meeting at work, the person on the opposite side of the table will think I'm mocking every word. (Darn! Caught again!)
Someone on the bus (if I ever take it again) will think my mouth motions are an entreaty to meet them in a back alley at the next stop for some oral hijinks.
Oral fixation indeed.
Eighteen times three times a day?
Cum on!
Not on your maxillary-dental-labial life!
