expanded polystyrene civil degradation (EPCD)

The burly, dark man opened the driver's door of a new silver Audi in the Wegmans parking lot. I heard a plop. Citizen Utter Disregard (CUD) had deposited a large expanded polystyrene food container on the ground, by his driver's door. CUD closed the door. I walked up to the car.  I picked up the expanded polystyrene container. I did not open it. I deliberately made eye contact with CUD as he breezily drove off. My heart beat faster, realizing that my minor act of civil obedience might be deemed provocative by CUD. I deposited the expanded polystyrene food container in a trash basket in front of Wegmans.

My head swirled with rage and sadness and befuddlement, with a thousand questions as to what moves CUD, or anyone for that matter, to such insouciant disgust toward his or her own surroundings. What permits people to exercise such expanded polystyrene civil degradation (EPCD)?

(Before writing this, I was all set to describe the piece of litter as STYROFOAM [TM]. It wasn't, and never is when it comes to food containers. Thank you, Washington Post for the education.)

Funny Googlenopes

Herewith, with full credit and attribution to The Washington Post, are some very amusing Googlenopes:

Report from Week 865 of The Style Invitational

in which we sought yet more Googlenopes -- phrases that still yielded that "no results found" icon when you offer them to the Universe's Biggest Search Engine. Once again, some of the thousands of 'Nopes submitted were just convenient misspellings of names. For all the results below -- which were still unique at press time -- the phrases were entered within quotation marks. Capitalization didn't matter in the searches.

Several entrants noted to the Empress that they were more amazed by the phrases that did produce a few hits, such as "National Beet Day" (discovered by Tom Kreitzberg) or "the wisdom of Tom Cruise" (noted by Russell Beland). These have been called Googleyups, and yes, we'll have to get to them. (We have already done Googlewhacks, in which there is exactly one hit.)

The winner of the Inker

Both "Nobody understands me like my husband" and "Nobody understands me like my wife" (Mark Richardson, Washington)

2. the winner of the nine-inch-long black gummi rat:

"I was persuaded by the picket sign" (Dan Steinberg, Silver Spring)

3. "President Obama wigs" (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)

4. "I lost lots of weight by eating better and exercising" (Sheri Tardio, Prince Frederick)

None: The Less -- Honorable mentions

"Lady Gaga wore a modest" . . . (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

"Muhammad Halloween masks" (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"I always lift the toilet seat for my husband" (David Thorne, Washington, a First Offender)

"Now I understand all of 'Lost' " (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

"He's so spacey his brain farts cause global warming" (Roy Ashley, Washington)

"We've decided to name our baby Eyjafjallajökull" (Dan Gordon, Arlington)

"The Vatican reversed its policy on" . . . (Dan Ramish, Washington)

"How to style your hair like Rod Blagojevich" (Steve Offutt, Arlington)

"Hiking the Appalachian Trail with your wife" (Steve Offutt)

"Find me an Amway dealer" (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

"The GOP leadership sought a compromise" (Anne Paris, Arlington)

"The Yiddish word for 'splurge' " (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

"I wish Bush were still in the White House" (Dan Ramish)

"They filled the pothole right away" (Ben Aronin, Arlington)

"Our priest is celibate" (Kevin Dopart)

"My ex-husband is an angel" (Kathy Bacskay, Lorton, a First Offender)

"Brief remarks by the House speaker" (Jeff Contompasis)

"I was outraged by that 'Family Circus' cartoon" (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon)

"If wishes were horses, birthday parties would reek." (Rachel A. Bernhardt, Silver Spring)

"employed in Novi, Mich." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)

"Kitty Kelley's balanced portrayal of" . . . (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

"The Manischewitz's refined bouquet" (Mike Gips, Bethesda)

"French spam recipes" (Craig Dykstra)

"beloved Redskins kicker" (Ward Kay, Vienna)

"tattoos your mom will love" (Judy Blanchard)

"Scranton getaway vacations" (Kevin Dopart)

"I don't know, so I'll say nothing." (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

"unwanted strip of bacon" (Russell Beland)

"My cat really cares about me" (Dan Klein, McLean)

"the world's second-largest microbrewery" (Russell Beland)

"Facebook: A better mousetrap" (Ben Aronin)

"the best of the feel-good Russian novels" (Michael Woods, Arlington)

"Three animals were harmed in the making of this movie" (Russell Beland)

"The Amish Justin Timberlake" (Craig Dykstra)

"I laughed at The Style Invitational" (Kevin Dopart)

Next week: Natalie Portmanteau, or Overlappellations

© 2010 The Washington Post Company

this just in

. . . some ink sans nom de plume

The Economy of Style

Just how bad is the economy?

These bits of good humor from The Style Invitational:

Report from Week 811

In which we asked for signs that the economy has hit rock bottom. Only a few people took that to mean that things had finally started to turn around -- the best of these was from Jim Lubell of Mechanicsville, Md., who said: "After being told for the past two years that my property wasn't worth $%{$181}&*, I'm finally being told that my property IS worth $%{$181}&*." Most everyone else sent jokes along the line of "The economy is so bad that . . ."

The Winner of the Inker

You go into debt to keep up with the Joads. (John H. Tuohy, Arlington)

2.Al Gore is burning old car tires in his furnace. (JL Strickland, Valley, Ala.)

3. Crate and Barrel starts selling crates and barrels. (David Epstein, Potomac)

4. The Virgin Mary appears in Akron on a loaf of bread, which is immediately eaten. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Splinters From the Bottom of the Barrel: Honorable Mentions

The dollar is propped up by an emergency loan from Zimbabwe. (Jeffrey Contompasis, Ashburn)

When waiters at snooty restaurants scrape the crumbs off your table with one of those fancy tools, they ask if you would like a birdie bag. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

"I work for the government" is finally a good pickup line in a bar. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

The Petco flier in the Sunday paper has a page of recipes. (Bridget Goodman, Philadelphia)

The Republicans can't find anyone rich enough to deserve a tax cut. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

"The Amazing Race" is run entirely in Gaithersburg. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

People in India with broken computers now call here. (Cy Gardner)

"Day financiers" hang out in parking lots hoping to get hired for a day of commodities speculation. (Michael Reinemer, Annandale)

Mattel is asking for a government bailout for its Hot Wheels division. (JL Strickland)

"The Office" replaces highly paid actors with real Dunder Mifflin employees. (Chuck Smith)

NASA announces that free meals will no longer be provided on space shuttle flights. (Mike Czuhajewski, Severn)

McDonald's introduces the Totally Bummed Out Meal. (Mike Czuhajewski; Toni Gagnon Ross, Alexandria, a First Offender)

The Detroit Pistons change the team name to something more geographically accurate, like the Detroit Squeegee Guys. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

Mattress companies are making box springs with cash compartments. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Hugh Hefner has to scale back to just twins. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Foreign journalists now throw flip-flops at world leaders. (Lee Dobbins, Arlington)

911 now requires a "convenience charge." (Chuck Smith)

Frank McCourt yearns for the good old days. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)

Your kid's Career Day speakers include a pencil seller, a repo man and a subsistence small-game hunter. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

A share of stock in the New York Times costs less than a copy of the New York Times. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

The closing bell on Wall Street was melted down for scrap metal. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

People are actually eating fortune cookies after breaking them open. (Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.)

In San Francisco, hollow-eyed men are standing in focaccia lines. (Chuck Smith)

If you open a bank account, they give you a piece of toast. (Kevin Dopart)

The Navy is spending 25 percent of its fuel budget on oars. (Bob Reichenbach, Middletown, Del.)

The Five-Second Rule has been changed to 10 for chocolate and pecans. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

A homeowner in Potomac was seen mowing his own lawn. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

A new ad campaign: "Fancy Feast: It's Not Just for Seniors Anymore." (Chad Pridgen, Marshall, Va.)

Pink slips must be returned for use by the next laid-off employee. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

And Last: Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives General Motors, donated by Detroit, Michigan (Mike Czuhajewski)

Straight to the Heart

Aiming for the heart of the problem, the so-called rescue or bailout or whatever bill has some curious features.

This, just noted by Michael S. Rosenwald of The Washington Post:

"From the Not Making This Up Department: The bill also repeals a 39-cent excise tax on wooden arrows for children."

As Casey Stengel used to say (purportedly), "You could look it up."

Maybe this should be called the Glass-Stengel Act in honor of him and transparency.

Fodder for the Serial Comma Wars

In today's Washington Post, Jonathan Yardley pens a lovely salute to The Elements of Style by William Strunk, Jr., and E.B. White.

Yardley's essay has this excerpt:

This is the same William Strunk, Jr., who two pages earlier writes, "In a series of three or more terms with a single conjunction, use a comma after each term except the last," as in "red, white, and blue," this second comma being "often referred to as the 'serial' comma," except in newspaper offices, where it is often referred to as the "space-eating" comma.

Score one for the serial comma!

The funny thing about Strunk & White is this: over the years as an editor, I have heard countless colleagues (often engineers and scientists) make adoring comments about it -- and rarely, if ever, apply its principles. It got to be that if someone quoted Strunk & White to me, I cringed, knowing their writing would be obtuse and bloviated.

I doubt they ever read it.

Same with many lawyers.

Such is life.

(L)inkage

As noted in The Washington Post's Style Invitational:

You just might be an embarrassment to your child if you . . .

and

You just might have a substance abuse problem if you. . .

Enjoy!

Hat Trick!

Today has been a banner day:

solid work prospects

and

a Washington Post Style Invitational three-peat:

Report From Week 749

in which we asked you to come up with entirely new meanings for existing words beginning with A- through H-, so that "Opus" cartoonist Berkeley Breathed wouldn't have to use our old ones anymore:

The Empress received untold zillions of entries for this contest -- so many that she's spreading the results over this week and next, with two sets of prizes. Kevin Dopart of Washington alone sent 288 entries. So when you see his name over and over below, just remember that the vast majority of Kevin's entries were blithely tossed into the trash, just as yours were.

Some of the results play a little hard to get, as it were: You have to pronounce the vowels in the word differently or break the syllables differently, or both. For example, "Headdress: Mister," by (who else) Kevin Dopart, is supposed to be read "he-address." Entries firmly of this type are italicized.

We also received some very clever descriptions of the words' actual meanings. Among the best of these was "Head cold: Rheum at the Top," by Chris Doyle. We'll do that contest again sometime, too.

4. Book: Ms. Derek, now that she's no longer a 10. (Alistair Beck, North Saanich, B.C., a First Offender)

3. Conning tower: A Madison Avenue skyscraper. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

2. the winner of the "Many Moods of Farrah" doll-head shadow box:

Cremate: Coffee-Mate's unsuccessful initial brand name. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the Winner of the Inker
Arms Akimbo: The notorious Nigerian gunrunner. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Low Def: Honorable Mentions

Abjectness: The degree to which your belly protrudes. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Adverb: Buy! (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England)

Accordion: The result of a Honda's collision with a Peterbilt. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Alabaster: How a lesbian couple's baby might be conceived. (Jean Lightner Norum, Charlottesville)

Algebra: Lingerie worn by mermaids. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Apostle: What a Bostonian takes to the post office. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Arsenal: Completely, all-inclusive. (Bird Waring, New York)

Aspiration: the trickle of sweat that runs down past your back on a hot summer day. (Morris Davis, Gainesville, a First Offender)

Ballpark: An athletic supporter. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

Bandage: Instruments, amps, mikes, cocaine, etc. (Tom Witte)

Bandicoots: The Rolling Stones. (Gary Hevel, Silver Spring)

Barfly: To get airsick. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Barstool: The [stuff] a lawyer tells you. (Russell Beland)

Bassoonist: An optimistic fisherman. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

Bedpan: An unfavorable MySpace review after a hookup. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Benchmark: Telltale sign on the rear end of a third-string player. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

Biceps: Half of a forceps. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Binary: This is another thing that's true of Iran. -- M. Ahmadinejad (Kevin Dopart)

Blunderbuss: To French-kiss your boss's wife at the office Christmas party. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Bombard: A battlefield poet. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Boron: A chem major at a party. (Kevin Dopart)

Braid: The part of the male consciousness that drives him to look at a women's chest. (Russell Beland)

Bristling: A newly circumcised baby. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Bumpkin: A hit man from the Family. (Beverley Sharp)

Buttonhole: What Asians call a Western toilet. (Dan Ramish, Vienna)

Camel toe: The toe of a camel. (Peter Metrinko)

Cardamom: A bar's policy to flatter middle-aged women by always asking for ID. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

Catapult: A hairball. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Charmed: Burn ointment. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis)

Cherish: Describing many a drag queen. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Coliseum: Lassie finds Timmy. (Ellen Raphaeli)

Crayfish: Not nearly as impressive as IBM chess. (Kevin Dopart)

Cryptic: The Triple-A Driving Tour of Famous Cemeteries. (Mel Loftus)

Cupola: Breast enhancement scams. (Pawlie Kokonuts, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Danger: Someone who uses only the mildest swear words. (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.)

Davenport: A safe place for Jews to pray. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Distribute: A nasty eulogy. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Dowager: To bet on the Pillsbury Bake-Off. (Phyllis Reinhard)

Eggs Benedict: The pope's edict on fertility treatments. (Pawlie Kokonuts)

Effrontery: The missionary position. (Tom Witte)

Electrocute: Use a Hello Kitty taser. (Kevin Dopart)

Electrons: Supporter of Rep. Paul -- highly charged, with an eccentric orbit. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Empty-handed: Punished by a Saudi court. (Chris Doyle)

Exorbitant: A former astronaut. (Phyllis Reinhard)

Fahrenheit: Moderately tall. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)

Fan letter: K. (Chris Doyle)

Flaccid: Lousy LSD. (Randy Lee, Burke)

Flatus: The region between the Appalachians and the Rockies. (Randy Lee)

Foliage: A class of congressional pages. (Dan Ramish)

Gamma ray: Norma's nana. (Phyllis Reinhard)

G-spot: A mild reproach to a dog. (Duncan Seed)

Halitosis: The disease your computer gets when it refuses to do what you want it to do. (Bill Spencer, Baltimore)

Harlot: Someone who'll laugh on and on at any stupid joke the boss makes. (Pawlie Kokonuts)

Hispanic: What Lou Dobbs demonstrates every time he opens his mouth about immigration. (Christopher Lamora)

Hoaxer: Jack the Ripper. (Phyllis Reinhard)

Hootenannies : A restaurant where all the waitresses are grandmas in tight T-shirts. (Mel Loftus)

Hungarian: Someone who's always on a diet. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Next Week: More of the Same, or The Language Gone to H

© 2008 The Washington Post Company

No Countries for Unfunny Folks

For Week 746, The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers for mottoes or tourism slogans for countries around the world. Here are the winners (affectionately known as Losers):

4. France: Visit, If You Must. (Sigh.) (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

3. Burma: What Happens Here REALLY Stays Here. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

2. the winner of the can of quite possibly genuine Possum Ding Dongs: United States: We Make the World a Warmer Place (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.)

And the Winner of the Inker:

England: Lie Back and Think of Us (Tom Murphy, Bowie)

The Mis-Universe Semi-Finalists

Austria: No Kangaroos (John Alvey, Annandale, almost a First Offender -- his only other ink was in 1994)

Bermuda: Come Lose Yourself (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Burkina Faso: Not Your Father's Upper Volta (George Vary, Bethesda)

We need no signs
Nor shaving cream
Nor your dissent
For our regime
Burma. (Brendan Beary)

Canada: Home of the Almighty Dollar (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

China: Come Visit Your Money (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Colombia: All It's Cracked Up to Be (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Denmark: Oh, So Nothing's Rotten in YOUR Country? (Brendan Beary)

England: We Couldn't Beat the Patriots Either (Bruce Evans, Arlington)

France: [motto writers on strike in solidarity with the truffle sorters] (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

Galapagos Islands: Guano Happens (Kevin Dopart)

Germany: It Is Not Necessary to Have a Humorous Slogan (Martin Bancroft)

Germany: Genocide Free Since 1945! (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

Greenland: Site of the 2060 Summer Olympics (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.; Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

India: For More Information Press 1 (Matthew Morris, Rockville, a First Offender)

Iran: We're Gonna Party Like It's 999 (Brendan Beary)

Iran: World's Largest Non-American Theocracy (Ira Allen)

Come Visit Liechtenstein: Just Don't All Come at Once (Brendan Beary)

Mexico: A Little Less Crowded Every Day (Dan Milam, Paducah, Ky., a First Offender)

Monaco: Disneyland for Adults -- and Almost Twice as Large (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Myanmar: We Liked "Burma" Better Too, but These Guys Have Guns (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Norway: Just a Little to the Left of Sweden (Matthew Morris)

Pakistan: Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Qatar: Wish U Were Here (Barry Koch)

Tajikistan: Stan of Opportunity (Cy Gardner)

Tibet: Doormat to China (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

United States: War Is Peace (Bill Moulden, Frederick)

And Last:

Bosnia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves

Herzegovina: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves

Croatia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves

Serbia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves

Macedonia: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves

Montenegro: The Peaceful Land Surrounded by Nations of Murderous Thieves (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Pawlie Kokonuts was not deemed funny enough. Do you I agree? Here's a select list of my entries:

Chile -- Thin, But Long, For Your Pleasure.

Chile -- We're Not Just Peppers Anymore.

Cayman Islands -- No Deposit, No Return

Cayman Islands -- The World's Financial Laundromat

Cayman Islands -- Your cash, we stash.

Cayman Islands -- The bucks stop here.

Cayman Islands -- Have lockbox, will prosper.

Cayman Islands -- Don't worry, be tax-free.

Albania -- Tractors soon we have.

Afghanistan -- Come, hide with us.

Afghanistan -- Poppies, Mountains, Caves: Take Your Pick.

Canada -- The Puck Stops Here, eh?

(What's with all the Cayman Islands jokes? I've got friends there, including my son's godmother. And to think: I've never visited. Yet.)

Stylin'

Since it's right up my Laughoristic alley,

and because I have enjoyed past successes accordingly,

I may be away several days,

working on The Syle Invitational.

(Previous returns are no guarantee of future results.)

Assorted R-A-T-S

In The Washington Post's Style Invitational weekly humor contest, the contest was to create words containing, contiguously, the letters A, S, T and R, in any order.

Here's a sampling:

Fourth Runner-up: First-Rationalizer: Unofficial title of the White House press secretary. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Third Runner-up: E-fenestration: tossing out your old version of Windows. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Second Runner-up: The winner of the dinosaur poop fossil: Retrash: To have a yard sale to get rid of all the junk you picked up at other people's yard sales. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

And the Winner Of the Inker:

Oughtacrats: People who have half a mind to solve all the world's problems with their brilliant ideas, one of these days . . . (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

The STRA-gglers:

Overstraightment: I am not gay. I never have been gay. The men I have sex with are not gay either. (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii)

Dorkestra: A kazoo ensemble. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Drivertashk: A DUI test. "See, offisher, I can touch my noezh! Gimme another drivertashk, like balanshing on the light wine!" (Randy Lee, Burke)

Arstistic: Able to make creative butt-pictures on the photocopier. (Stacey Kenkeremath, Alexandria)

Reprocrastinate: Put off having children. (Dan and Suzanne Colilla, Pittsburgh)

I-strain: What egotists give others. (Tom Witte)

B'arstool: What's left after a grizzly sits in the woods. (Chris Doyle)

Aversatile: Repelled by anything. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

The rest of the "winners" (also fondly known as Losers) are here.

Typically, the "honorable mentions" are even funnier than the top winners. Agree?


(Notice: Pawlie Kokonuts, The Erstwhile Laughorist, may take a week off from blogging to work on a short story or two, in an attempt to get published in the real world, using his real non-nom de plume. Carry on.)

Googlenopes

Being wrung out from another Monday that has me pondering self-inflicted retirement, I offer you someone else's humor:

A Googlenope is a term coined by Gene Weingarten of The Washington Post. It means you get no hits on Google when the words are enclosed by quotation marks. The Googlenopes linked right here are courtesy of The Style Invitational of The Washington Post. (Of course, now they may no longer qualify as Googlenopes.)

My personal favorite is:

"DIY Extreme Unction" submitted by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, Maryland.

(Elden and I have chatted on the phone but have never met, though we almost ran into one another at a Loserpalooza about 10 years ago. Fate had other plans.)

I submitted some examples, but none made the Googlenope grade, as judged by The Empress.

By popular demand (at least as demanded by Glamourpuss), here are my entries:

1. my hemorrhoids are like asteroids
2. Only my gynecologist knows for sure
3. Ich bin ein Style Invitational Loser [or Verlierer]
4. fight global hamming
5. birth-control device = children
6. 24/7 times 365 except for Armageddon
7. make sure all words are spelled corectly
8. my children are flying magpies
9. dance of the seven veils and one lonely rhino
10. media mucilage
11. name-recognition mucilage
12. the mucilage of one faux pas
13. faux pas mucilage
14. 1,212-step program
15. Harry Potter's knickers fetish
16. do I get paid in euros, dollars, or goat cheese?
17. your sister, she needs immigration help, yes?
18. I am John Edwards's hair and I want to be your president
19. It was a serial-comma killing punctuated by ejaculatory expletives
20. your kilt is rising, alas
21. Bonds retorted, kiss my asterisk
22. your cat is healthy snack
23. I have a 36-ounce Adirondack slugger

You decide if my schtuff merited ink.

Snapple Wisecrackle and Pop!

You know those little "factuals" that accompany your victuals (properly pronounced 'vi-tils) that you find on the inside of Snapple bottle caps? (Click on the preceding Snapple link for examples of random "Real Facts.")

Well, The Washington Post asked readers to invent humorous "Unreal Facts," obviously neither as real nor as factual as those items on the inside of Snapple lids, but much funnier.

The results are very clickable, linked here from today's Style Invitational.

It will be hard for you not to pass these along.

Cheers.

Or should I say, "Bottoms up!"?

Candidates' Cant

Of course, the most delightful thing about blogging is self-publishing. Who needs Corporate Publishing America (CPA), when we can publish ourselves?

To wit: The Style Invitational of The Washington Post published humorous suggestions for presidential candidates' slogans. Some of my faves were:

Dick Cheney: Why Settle for the Lesser of Two Evils? (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Lorena Bobbitt: If Elected I Will Not Sever (Russell Beland)

Lance Armstrong: One Tough Nut (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Texas Gov. Rick Perry: You Know He'll "Faithfully Execute" (Mark Eckenwiler)

But, alas, I must report that none of my entries to this humor contest were deemed funny enough to see the light of day (or were considered too crude for a family newspaper and its online counterpart, or were nearly identical to the suggestions of too many other entrants).

So, in the interest of full disclosure and fully realized Laughorist humor, here are my suggestions (pared down to my favorites) for presidential slogans:

Sam Brownback: Brownback. Not wetbacks.

Hillary Rodham Clinton: It Takes an Electoral College.

Hillary Rodham Clinton: I Won't Blow It.

Barack Obama: Barack to the Future.

John McCain: Give war a chance.

Rudolph Giuliani: Here's your president, right here.

Manhattan Serial-Comma Mystery Probed

Score one for us, The Serial Commakazies.

Yes, we of The Loyal Order of Serial Comma Orderliness and Logic (TLOSCOL) can take solace and comfort from this sentence in The New York Times, today, March 2, 2007, anno Domini, page A1, from the lead story, no less (the lead story is the one in the upper-right column in the ancient style of reading newspapers made of paper, which is my preference):

[hautboys, as they say in Shakespeare]

"A series of disclosures published prominently in The Washington Post about the living conditions, the red tape that ensnarled treatment, and other serious problems have challenged the notion promoted for years by the Army -- especially since the war in Iraq -- that wounded soldiers receive unparalleled care at Walter Reed."

Take a deep breath after that mouthful, eh? Imagine diagramming that one in Mrs. Rivers's seventh-grade English class! (I've just got to do a post on her one of these days.)

Well, this is delicious on several levels. First, the Gray Lady is forced in its lead story to pay homage to its stalwart competitor, The Washington Post. And, as if that ain't bad enough, the sentence, written by David S. Cloud, is brightened by my beloved serial comma. Can you spot it? Yes, it elegantly and clearly and brazenly shines after the word "treatment." (I will dodge the grammatical debate that might ensue over whether it should be "A series . . . has . . . .")

A tantalizing mystery presents itself: is the serial comma grudgingly allowed by a copy editor because it is simply too confusing without it? If so, a victory for us (just one battle, not the war), who have claimed all along that is why we insist on this punctuation mark. Or is it an error or oversight on the part of writer and copy editor? In other words, will they be slapped for not following The New York Times Manual of Style and Usage?

Or, is this a tidal turning point in the culture wars, symbolized by an awkward embrace of the serial comma?

Will we ever know?

Will Manhattan media watchers and gossipmongers, such as at gawker.com, be able to get to the foggy bottom of this persnickety puzzlement?

"No comma," is not, um, an acceptable answer.

(You just don't get sizzling stuff like this on YouTube.)

What a Difference a Lettre Makest

Being on such great terms with my friend Claire Voyant, I have been made privy to these very, very clever (and humorous) results from tomorrow's Washington Post Style Invitational, and wish to share this privileged information with my loyal -- oh, what the heck -- my royal readers.

I wish I could say my internationally recognized humor (or humour) were represented here (were, because I'm using the subjunctive mood), but alas it is not. Besides, if it were, then I'd have to surrender my brand name The Laughorist for my real name. If I recall correctly, I did not even enter this contest (or did I? who can recall back that far!). No doubt I was busy blogging. (I did enter the contest to be announced next week, asking for presidential campaign slogans, so stay tuned.) (As for the subjunctive mood, that entry in Wikipedia is downright encyclopedic, but I guess it's supposed to be. It was so exhaustive, it almost made be subjunctively moody.)


(We) Give Us a Break
Sunday, February 25, 2007

The results for Week 699, one of the change-a-word-by-one-letter contests that some people think we should run every single week instead of all this other stuff with jokes and cartoons and poems and such drivel, were -- we have to admit -- so clever and so abundant that we needed two weeks' worth of columns to share the worthiest entries with you. Also, this is a convenient way for the Empress to take a day off from judging and go lounge poolside in the Imperial Hammock, taking care first to don the Imperial Parka and Earmuffs and Moon Boots.

Report From Week 699
in which we asked readers to change any word beginning with E, F, G or H by one letter and define the result. This week we'll present the best of the E's and F's, with a whole set of winner and Losers. The best of the G's and H's will appear March 18. That week, the winner will also get the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy, and the first runner-up will receive the magnetic Greek alphabet letters pictured here, brought back from Hellas itself by Kevin Dopart of Washington. (The letters are spelling out both the Greek word for "loser" and the English word phonetically.)

The rule for Week 699 was that the original word, not the result, had to begin with E, F, G or H. So, for instance, "flactate," a verb for a PR person's feeding drips of gossip to hungry reporters, couldn't go. The rules permitted a letter to be added, subtracted or substituted with another letter. Also, two letters could be transposed; several Losers realized that they didn't have to be adjacent letters. Also not qualifying: adding a number instead of a letter, as in Kevin Dopart's clever "GeiCO²: Global warming insurance," one of his 191 entries. (To answer your next question, no, Kevin is not on the federal payroll.)

For some reason, the single word that appeared on practically everyone's list was "fratulence," defined variously as a wafting from beer or kegs or college-kid dirty laundry.

4. Fuhrenheit: The temperature in Hell. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

3. Eruditz: A philosophy professor who can't figure out how to work the copying machine. (John Kupiec, Fairfax)

2. the winner of the artsy tubes of Breath Palette toothpaste: Fearcical: Ludicrous yet vaguely alarming. "There's a fearcical rumor we're going to invade Venezuela." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

And the Winner Of the Inker
Epigramp: A maxim that brands the speaker as an old codger: "If God had wanted women to wear pants . . ." (Brendan Beary)

Not Ef Bad [this week's term for Honorable Mentions]

Tedema: That jowly Kennedy look. (Kevin Dopart)

Educrate: To teach in one of the "modules" set up "temporarily" in the parking lot of an overcrowded school. (Ted Einstein, Silver Spring)

Elbrow: Extremely long underarm hair. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

Emacidate: Go out with a fashion model. (Kevin Dopart)

Editore: Edited. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Demoticon: A little symbol signifying bad news on an e-mail from the boss. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Tempress: Today, Mistress of the Domains of Chaos; tomorrow, just another loser. (Ann Martin, Annapolis)

Zencompass: Wherever you go, there you are. (Kevin Dopart)

Unergy: A condition that strikes people on the way to work, mostly on Mondays. (Janet Alexandrow, Springfield)

Ennaui: The least exciting of the Hawaiian islands. (Brendan Beary)

Entrophy: The consequence of resting on one's laurels. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Eohoppus: A prehistoric kangaroo. (Brendan Beary)

Enguish: What elocution teachers feel when they hear the president on the radio. (Karl Koerber, Crescent Valley, B.C.)

Estchew: To stay on daylight saving time. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

Stonia: A small European country with very loose drug laws. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Engin: Gasohol. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville)

Innui: How you feel upon seeing the same landscape painting you saw in your last six hotel rooms. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)

Erstwhale: The success story in the Jenny Craig ad. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Nestrogen: A hormone produced during pregnancy that produces cravings for wallpaper with matching borders and dust ruffles. (Brendan Beary)

Estrogent: Someone who asks if the fabulous pumps are available in a 13 1/2 E. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Excaliburp: Sword swallower's reflux. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.)

Excretary: The office worker who seems to spend two hours a day in the bathroom. (Jay Shuck)

Exhillaration: what Monica almost caused in Bill. (Peter Metrinko)

Experdition: The journey to Hell. (Martin Bancroft; Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Excavhate: To dredge up an old grievance during an argument. (Mike Fransella, Arlington)

Macebook.com: For warding off cyber-stalkers. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

FAQu: The response to frequently asked stupid questions. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Yellowship: Cowards Anonymous. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Fiefdome: A state capitol building. (Creigh Richert, Aldie)

Fistipuffs: Very minor squabbling. (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville)

Flabboyant: Proudly displaying one's girth. "In his Chippendales skit on 'SNL,' Chris Farley was amazingly flabboyant." (Brendan Beary)

Fatulence: That squishing noise of thighs rubbing together. (Jim Lubell, Mechanicsville)

Flimflame: To commit arson for the insurance money. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Loozies: All those women who hang on Style Invitational contestants. (Kevin Dopart)

Foaly: A elderly horse who likes to bother young colts. (John Holder, Charlotte)

Foresking: The best mohel in town. (Brendan Beary)

Fortissimoo: More, more, more cowbell! (Chris Doyle, sent from vacation in Bangkok)

Farternity: An old boys' club. (David Franks, Wichita)

Forget-me-note: A Dear John letter. (Chris Doyle)

Faux pAl - When your Inker-winning gag about "Gandhi II" turns out to have already been used by some guy named Yankovic. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

Next Week: Stump Us, or The Battle of Hustings (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

© 2007 The Washington Post Company

The Book of Job (Interview Questions)

If you are interviewing for a new job, or if you are an employer interviewing someone for a new job (or if you are merely fantasizing about doing so), you need to read the tips in this link from The Style Invitational of The Washington Post (scroll down to results from Week 698).

One of my favorites?

Sell me this pocket lint! (Stephen Dudzik)

Let's Stop Serial-Comma Killing Now!

We know society exhibits moral outrage over serial killings, as well it should.




But why the widespread apathy over the death throes of the serial comma?




Fight the good fight. Become a Serial Comma Commando today!


The serial comma, also known as the Oxford comma or the Harvard comma, is the comma found in this construction:

Hurray for the red, white, and blue.

Believers of the use of this construction (like me) insist on that comma after the word white.

My particular reasons are straightforward: consistency and lack of ambiguity.

At least I thought so until I checked out the entry for topic at Wikipedia. I must say, the entry is exhaustive and entertaining.

It gives cogent arguments both for and against.

I used to be a newspaper copy editor. Nearly all newspapers (at least in American and Canada) do not use the serial comma. The New York Times and The Washington Post, excellent newspapers, do not employ that comma after the word white in the example above. Nearly all book publishers used to use it. The New Yorker magazine still uses it.

I reject the argument (made by some, including Lynne Truss of the popular book Eats, Shoots & Leaves) that this style decision is variable depending on context and circumstances. (Oh, of course, you can find an exception to any rule. So, yes, all such decisions are potentially variable. I'm not talking about that. Oliver Wendell Holmes said something like you have to know the rules before you know how to break them. I'm talking about the rule here, not the exception[s].)

I say adhere to the rule, or not, but do so consistently.

It is troubling in recent years to find myself reading a novel and to encounter style usage all over the place on this.

Sloppy.

Most of you say this is all silly and does not matter.

I'll close with the wonderful example from The Chicago Manual of Style (which, naturally, supports the view of the serial comma embraced by The Laughorist):

According to the erudite and entertaining folks at the University of Chicago Press (check out their FAQ section), not using the serial comma can put you in this pickle with this hypothetical book dedication:

"With gratitude to my parents, Mother Teresa and the pope."

Laugh. Or....

Else.