Monday, September 10, 2007

Hamming It Up


Scene:
The deli counter at Wegmans, amidst a crowd of ravenous shoppers, Sunday night. Hautboys.

I take my little numbered slip out of the dispenser. It reads "05." My number gets called.

A quarter pound of Wunderbar bologna, please.

The clerk, an elderly woman, maybe in her sixties, with short hair and almost manly features, soon hands me a plastic bag with the contents as ordered.

Anything else? she asks.

Sure, ham-off-the-bone, a third of a pound.

[We interrupt this program to declare: "Ham-off-the-bone" is not a term I will touch with a 10-foot Pole, or a 6-foot Swede. HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.]

Honeyed? she inquires.

Um, I don't know. No. Regular (even though I don't even know what "regular" is).

A fellow employee walks up to the clerk, asking her to take something; it looks like lemon chicken; he asks her to weigh it and put a price sticker on it.

Do you mind if I do this?

No, I say, quarter truthfully but not expecting any significant delay.

The clerk goes to the opposite end. She is weighing, wrapping, weighing, wrapping, putting containers on the scale to get the tare weight. She is nodding upward to read through her bifocals. This is taking a long time. Numbers 07, 08, 09, and 10 are being called. I start to feel like an idiot and begin to fume. I begin to loathe my personally appointed sales associate serving Mr. Pawlie fecking Kokonuts himself. I consider just walking off. Screw it. Maybe come back later with, say, a lovely new number, maybe 24, Willie Mays's number.

I hold off.

She comes back to be.

Thank you so much for waiting, she says with touching earnestness.

That's all right, I lie, starting to feel like an impatient fool, but grateful I did not storm off.

Many people wouldn't be that patient. I really appreciate it, she declares.

That's okay, I say.

What did you want? she asks, almost maternally

A third of a pound of ham.

It looks as if she's a few slices off. In my impatience, I'm waving her off, as if to say, Don't bother, don't worry about it, I wanted a little more than a third of a pound anyway. But, aha! I begin to realize she is throwing those extra slices in there after everything was weighed as a gift, as a thank you for my perceived "patience."

I thank her, and continue shopping, making a note to blog about this when I get around to blogging again.

Internally, I was not at all patient.

Externally, to her, I was a paragon of patience.

Does it still count?

(It used to be a mortal sin in my conscience, even if I thought the impure thought.)

Incidentally, my knowledge of Latin from back in high school, from my seminary days, tells me patience comes from the Latin word meaning "to suffer," "to endure."

I guess impatience can be a sort of albatross.

Incidentally once again, The Online Etymology Dictionary is a great resource. I recommend it; the site offers opportunities to sponsor words, teasing readers to send someone lust.

Intriguing.

(Disclaimer: No actual meat was consumed in the typing of this post.)


10 comments:

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Yes, it counts. You were very nice, and after all, the whole purpose of manners is to make others comfortable.

She knew, what is more, that she had made a bad call in walking away to help the other customer, and your kindness probably made her day.

Was the regular ham good?

Glamourpuss said...

Of course it counts - you fought the impulse to tell her to feck off. You done good.

Puss

Ralph said...

I thought you took a number for 'better service'. For another bird, consider the Kiwi, a flightless feathered friend. It sounds like you had time to build a nest while waiting. For the record, Wunderbar is okay but cheap, but I prefer Deutchmacher German Bologna...

azgoddess said...

gosh -- and i wanted to know how good those extra pieces of ham tasted...

great post!

Patti said...

ah, PK, a slice of real life

fun post!

Anonymous said...

Fecklessly hammed it up.

And you didn't make a sandwich while typing? Sin.

Anonymous said...

Ah, those Wegmans delis. A similar experience at mine, although with a not-so-maternal and rather impatient meanie, left me saying "Thank You" in such a sickly, sweet way that she never saw me heading directly toward the customer comment cards at the front of the store.

Got a phonecall from the deli manager. And a $20 gift card.

Odat said...

See what happens when one is patient? I'm sure she felt your vibes and that's why she rewarded you!
Lust? where???????????? ;-)

Peace

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

You know what they say about patience being a virtue....

VIRTUE:
c.1225, "moral life and conduct, moral excellence," vertu, from Anglo-Fr. and O.Fr. vertu, from L. virtutem (nom. virtus) "moral strength, manliness, valor, excellence, worth," from vir "man" (see virile). Phrase by virtue of (c.1230) preserves alternate M.E. sense of "efficacy." Wyclif Bible has virtue where K.J.V. uses power. The seven cardinal virtues (c.1320) were divided into the natural (justice, prudence, temperance, fortitude) and the theological (hope, faith, charity). To make a virtue of a necessity (c.1374) translates L. facere de necessitate virtutem. [Jerome]


This is from your Online Etymology Dictionary. What a fabulous, wonderful site; I've added it to my favorites.

Thanks
Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Pawlie Kokonuts said...

SF Hearts:
The ham was good, missing any trace of vile bile.

Puss,
If I had said feck instead of the word with the U in it, would she still have gotten my point?

Ralph,
I'm seriously thinking of making a midnight sandwich after reading your comment; I'll have to check out that brand.

Patti,
Yes, a slice, almost a cutting one.

MM,
Clever puns are always tasty; thanks.

MG,
Wow. Did you have to wait in line to redeem your card, or you still waiting to use it, holding off for the opportune time?

Odat,
Lust is found a few pages after love, but the page is all wrinkled and worn and bent.

WS,
Yikes! Ive been out-erudited. Too-shay!

PK

Words, and Then Some

Too many fled Spillways mouths Oceans swill May flies Swamped Too many words Enough   Said it all Spoke too much Tongue tied Talons claws sy...