For several days now, the most frequently emailed article from The New York Times website has involved Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying. It's smart stuff. You know, things about children, sex, finances, work, chores. Exactly the kinds of topics many of us diligently avoided as we dashed toward Nuptial Nirvana.
One excellent fellow blogger, Dr. Andrew, devotes his whole blog more or less to such topics at To Love, Honor and Dismay.
As a veteran of more than one domestic war and occasional, almost-accidental tranquillity, The Laughorist hereby offers some important prenuptial or postnuptial questions of his own:
1. Do you snore?
2. Do you ever get the feeling you are a man trapped inside a woman's body, or vice versa, or some combination thereof?
3. Whom do you think of while we're having sex?
4. Do you leave the cap off the toothpaste? Why? (Or why not?)
5. Does it bother you if someone pees in the shower even if you will never find out, and is the asking of this question really going to scotch the whole thing?
6. Where were you on the night of January 28, 1993?
7. How many sporting events (or soap operas) will you watch weekly?
8. Who are your favorite authors? (A response such as "Well, I don't know; I don't read much" should set off gongs in your head.)
9. What would Kierkegaard say (WWKS)?
10. How do you spell o-r-g-a-s-m?
11. Does size matter to you?
12. Do you leave the toilet seat up or down, and why?
13. Do you wash your hands with soap after using the toilet? How many times?
14. What are you most afraid of (see question 11)?
15. Do you mind if I run a credit check and background check on you?
16. Do you hear voices? If so, what do they say about me?
17. Paper or plastic? Or neither?
18. What are your greatest shortcomings? What are mine, if any?
19. In your own words, what does it mean if somebody (in the words of the comedian Robert Klein) "dreams of a hot dog chasing a donut in the Lincoln Tunnel"?
20. Would you mind if I just have some time alone and think things over a little bit right now; I'm reconsidering a whole bunch of things in my life after all these questions, okay?