Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Inquisition, or "We Need to Talk"

For several days now, the most frequently emailed article from The New York Times website has involved Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying. It's smart stuff. You know, things about children, sex, finances, work, chores. Exactly the kinds of topics many of us diligently avoided as we dashed toward Nuptial Nirvana.

One excellent fellow blogger, Dr. Andrew, devotes his whole blog more or less to such topics at To Love, Honor and Dismay.

As a veteran of more than one domestic war and occasional, almost-accidental tranquillity, The Laughorist hereby offers some important prenuptial or postnuptial questions of his own:

1. Do you snore?

2. Do you ever get the feeling you are a man trapped inside a woman's body, or vice versa, or some combination thereof?

3. Whom do you think of while we're having sex?

4. Do you leave the cap off the toothpaste? Why? (Or why not?)

5. Does it bother you if someone pees in the shower even if you will never find out, and is the asking of this question really going to scotch the whole thing?

6. Where were you on the night of January 28, 1993?

7. How many sporting events (or soap operas) will you watch weekly?

8. Who are your favorite authors? (A response such as "Well, I don't know; I don't read much" should set off gongs in your head.)

9. What would Kierkegaard say (WWKS)?

10. How do you spell o-r-g-a-s-m?

11. Does size matter to you?

12. Do you leave the toilet seat up or down, and why?

13. Do you wash your hands with soap after using the toilet? How many times?

14. What are you most afraid of (see question 11)?

15. Do you mind if I run a credit check and background check on you?

16. Do you hear voices? If so, what do they say about me?

17. Paper or plastic? Or neither?

18. What are your greatest shortcomings? What are mine, if any?

19. In your own words, what does it mean if somebody (in the words of the comedian Robert Klein) "dreams of a hot dog chasing a donut in the Lincoln Tunnel"?

20. Would you mind if I just have some time alone and think things over a little bit right now; I'm reconsidering a whole bunch of things in my life after all these questions, okay?

Laugh. Or....



Margaret said...

I met my husband accidently online. (Googled my Birthday and found his resume' and emailed him to give my Birthday back.) We emailed, talked, chatted, IM'd - asked all sorts of funny and not so serious questions for well over 18 months. Including many of these. Heck, towards the end we even sent pics of the hotdog and tunnel to one another.

It's been perfect!

jbwritergirl said...

Number 16 really hits home with me. I hear voices all the time and wonder why they keep calling me Mom?

Pawlie Kokonuts said...

You naughty girl.


Sheila said...

What great questions. Some I have already asked my long time boyfriend (as I have spent the night at his house and such) but I am going to keep this list for the future and every once in a while slip him a question. haha brilliant!

Glamourpuss said...

This just underlines to me that I am not wife material.


Odat said...

I knew the answers to all these and married him anyway!
Peace and happy holidays to you and yours.

Crankster said...

Two questions worth asking:

Are you capable of taking responsibility for your own mistakes, or do you try to palm them off on someone else?

If I was mean to you in a dream, would you try to get me back when you woke up?

jbwritergirl said...

Merry Christmas PK

The Bizarre Jokester said...

merry christmas! may this day bring u lots n lots of joy and happiness!