Wednesday, December 13, 2006

A CAPital OFFense

So I get this prescription, a steroid ointment. It comes in a tube. My toes were itching and burning like they were ablaze. Eczema. Fine. I open the box for the ointment and throw the directions out. I go to apply the cream and find that a metallic seal first has to be broken. (Warning to Freudian psychoanalysts: please refrain from the obvious. Much obliged.) I use a Q-tip to break the seal, apply the cream. Great.

Then I find that the cap does not stay on. It slides off. It is too loose. I consider going back to the pharmacist. (This was last Friday, a very cold but otherwise warm-hearted, pleasant afternoon, later followed by my Saint Nicholas gig.)

"Phil, I can't seem to get this cap to stay on," I would've said.

Or, "Karen, can you help me to screw [on this cap]?" I imagined flirting with his assistant.

But, no, I don't go back to the pharmacy. I figure I'll live with it. So the cap is loose. Let the feckin thing stay loose.

But I am too anal-retentive to let this go entirely. Or at all.

I bring this issue up casually with my housemate, my partner (OK! my spouse, if you prefer).

I tell her about it.

Before I even finish a sentence, she experiences gales of laughter, paroxysms of pleasure (humorous pleasure; you all have dirty minds).

To be fair to her -- and to me -- not malicious laughter. The kind that it is easy to go along with and perhaps even laugh along with.

She informs me. No. Wait. She doesn't inform me; she silently takes the fecking cap and takes it off and puts it on via the other end.

I was wondering what the pointy cone was for. Oh! To puncture the seal! And then to reverse the cap and place it on the screw portion, the threads. O Freudimus maximus!

I told her this was easy for her because she works in a hospital. She does this sort of thing every day.

Does anyone out there know what I am talking about? Am I a retro-pre-Luddite in a modern age? Am I alone in having the universe pass me by?

If you are all laughing at me, I hate you all.

I admit to being an intellectual snob.

I may have to drop the penultimate word from that previous sentence.

Screw it. Screw you all.

Laugh. Or....

Else.

13 comments:

Mist said...

I have never been bested by simple items. Ever. Not even that kind of deoderant that you click three times.

azgoddess said...

haa haa haa -- you are a funny guy -- this is just perfect...

oh sorry -- NOT!! LMAO

Meloncutter said...

Do I detect a Freudian slip of sexual cannotations of your desire to carnally conjugate with your grand legions of readers? "Screw it. Screw you all." Or do you just mean that we each have threads in one end and a point on the other? You got my fat ass all nervous now.


Later Y'all

Army said...

Did you curse aloud: "I'll get you next time, gadget! Next time!"

In all fairness, I continue to be foiled by the gas cap on my car. It's like a convoluted 3-step process to remove it. Maybe I'll just stuff a rag down in there...

Natalie said...

Sometimes the most simple things are the most difficult. They are also the funniest.

Sheila said...

haha as educated as I am, I would have done the same damn thing. Stupid directions. Stupid cream!!!

Ron Bramlett said...

..You have to click the deodorant 3 times? I thought it was empty.

Margiemix said...

I know exactly what you're talking about. Gosh, I can't believe you didn't know. Have any problems putting AA batteries in lately? Hehe, just kidding.

monicker said...

I am laughing at you; I know exactly what you're talking about and no, I have never had your problem with advanced, space-age product containers.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

The new technology is tricky. Right up there with childproof caps that can only be opened by children.

Crankster said...

Sadly, that's entirely too understandable.

Dirk_Star said...

LOL! I mean no, not laughing at all.

Glamourpuss said...

Er, yes to all. Or do I mean no to all... Confused now. Which way does the cap go on again...

Puss