Wednesday, September 03, 2008

The Speech Sarah Palin Will Not Give

My fellow Caucasian rural jingoistic Americans, I accept your nomination as self-proclaimed proletarian princess to become your vice president (give or take a vice -- your pick).

The puck stops here. It is time to shatter that glass ceiling like a moose hit by buckshot. It is time to crush the namby-pamby Eastern effete elitist grandiloquence. It is time to show that women can not only be the president of the local LaLeche chapter but also commander-in-chief, nursing the dreams of patriots just born as well as those old enough to know better.

My fellow Americans, we can be strong as Alaska wolves and as deliberate as a glacier.

We are pro-life! (Except when it comes to the death penalty, gun control, daycare, universal healthcare, stopping genocide in Darfur, and urban crime.)

Most of all, think of the vision we can celebrate for this great land: a return to 1955! Senator McCain -- praise the Lord! -- has brought us a miracle! Yes, 1955 is back. What better place than Alaska to embody the great native land before it was besmirched by hordes of immigrants with names we can't even pronounce, with gays, and Negroes, and . . .

I am one of you, friends. Actually, I am what the Democrats pretend to be: blue-collar. As for you Republican country club ladies, I am what you wish you could be -- if your rich hubby would let you.

So, in closing, let's hear it for 1955 and the good ol' red, WHITE [applause], and blue.

Thank you. And may the evangelical God bless America.

Amen.

1 comment:

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Excellent! And don't forget that the strong Alaskan wolves are being hunted from airplanes by Sarah Barracuda, who has placed a bounty of $150 on every left front leg of a dead wolf.

For that alone, she should be crucified or better yet, hunted from planes.