Showing posts with label solipsism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label solipsism. Show all posts

Friday, January 15, 2021

Don't Tread on Me

Don't tread on me me me me me me me.

Imperative sentence: to whom is the imperative addressed? Anyone who opposes me me me me me? Duly appointed or elected leaders? Fellow solipsists? "They they they them them them"?

(N.B.: Gadsden owned slaves.)

"Don't tread on me" means me over us.

Says me over you.

Declares me over we.

Asserts unbridled rage.

Shows dick-swinging anger.

Brandishes stupidity.

Heralds anarchy.

Celebrates hypocrisy.

Rejects discourse.

Rationalizes hate.

Waves intolerance.

Radiates racism.

Betrays patriotism.

Hides cowardice.

Invites insurrection.

Waltzes with strongmen.

Subverts democracy.

Abuses free speech.

Wallows in rancor.

Swims in solipsism.

Treads with jackboots.

Corrupts civility.

Drowns in delirium.

Founders in furor.

Withers in wantonness.


Saturday, May 02, 2020

breakup epistle


Dear Self,

This is it. I've had it. We are breaking up. No, that does not mean I am descending to a new or amplified brand of mental illness. Besides, I get confused: Do split personalities have too many selves or not enough of one self? No matter. Doesn't matter. We're not here to argue or debate. There I go again. We. What's with the "we," right? We? Who is we? Who is I? Who is you?

Back to the breakup.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I've grown tired of him. I've reached a point of autonomic fatigue. Anomie without anime.

Don't be so facile or quick to label this depression. Don't be so quick to label it anything.

When did our relationship start to sour?

Hard to say. 

How about pee running down my legs in the gym in kindergarten on the first day of school? No one chided me, not that I recall. I can't remember if they gave me dry clothes. The urine was hot and cinnamonny as it streamed down my left leg, along part of my rear, and onto the shiny waxed wood floors. The gym smelled of lacquer, at least until my contribution.

I was ashamed.

I still wish I hadn't done that.

Not until, what, fifty years later did I discover physical reasons for this voiding.

A voidance. Avoidance.

But that's hardly a reason to break up, you say. And you're right! It's bogus, completely fabricated. Arbitary.

I needed an excuse.

I know, I know, it all seems so rash, if not irrational.

You say, you didn't know, you couldn't tell. Isn't that what they always say about the breakup? "I had no idea. No one told me. If only I had known." Those are the standard lines. I suppose it's more than a little true. I mean, even I didn't see us breaking up.

No worries.

This is officially an amicable divorce. No shit. It really is. What reason would I have for being inamicable?

Oh. The obvious question. What new self am I hooking up with? Who's the lucky rebound self?

Can't answer that.

Come what may.

Que sera sera.

More shall be revealed.

I shall be released.

Sayonara, you ol' selfie.

Anchors aweigh.

Sincerely,

Moi

Wednesday, February 19, 2020

echo chamber


Say it again. And again n n n n . Re-re-re-re-reverb erb erb erb. Anyone here? Anyone hear? Echo and Narcissus. Waves. Repercussions. Re-echo. sierra echo x-ray. A room of one's own. Cathedral choral. Chamber music. Sacred sound. Ordinary space. Ordinary sound. Rippling. Less less less less less gone. Repeat beat. Narcissus and Echo. Solo. Vox. Voice. Void. Hollow. Hallow. Hollow. Hallow. Hollow.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Iceland, day 3: threads of meaning

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Just seeing traditional Icelandic sweaters in shops, and worn by tourists and locals alike, I knew I was going to get one. I was determined to allow myself this indulgence. I am not a person who buys many clothes, I live simply, and I have to resist feelings of guilt just for purchasing something for myself. 
I walked a few blocks into the main shopping district and stopped at Te & Kaffi. Perfect. Hot black tea, a toasted bagel with Smjör butter and as is customary in Iceland some cheese or meat or fish (cheese for me). I chatted with Alexandra and Jeremiah behind the counter. Jeremiah, wearing a Harry Potter-inspired medallion on a necklace and what looked to be premature gray hair, spoke in American-inflected English. He related having lived in Minnesota and Tennessee. He did a humorous Minnesota accent in English after I tried my own version. His was better, with an exaggerated American-Scandinavian lilt. I browsed through a local newspaper, not succeeding in parsing the meaning of the front-page story.


“Where’s a good place to shop for a real Icelandic sweater with good prices, not too touristy?”



“The Nordic Store, right across the plaza,” Alexandra and Jeremiah suggested.



I walked the twenty yards there. It’s a splendid display of sweaters, gloves, scarves. I walked to the men’s section and a very helpful sales clerk let me try on a few pullovers. I avoided looking at price tags. I decided I would not get the zippered cardigan. I liked the sweaters she showed me and let me try on, but I am a fussy buyer capable of an impulsive move. I wanted more color, I said. There was a green design I liked but she did not have it in my size. She was not pushy, and I greatly appreciated that. She was so cordial, I had to buy something. I bought a skein (is that what they are?) of hunterish green authentic wool for knitter/quilter Beth, from whom I've been cordially separated for more than two years, for her to knit or to have as a souvenir. The customer can choose from a robust palette of colors, demarcated on a chart reminiscent of a Pantone Matching Scale. This wool is authentic, the double-ply fiber used in the sweaters. (Beth later enthused it was the best gift I’d ever given her.) Locals proudly boast of how warm the sweaters are, wet or dry. And they are right. It’s all in the wool of their sheep, we are told. (Sheep outnumber people on the island. Speaking of “island,” two things: the Icelandic word for Iceland is Ísland, and domain names there end in .is. This invites wordplay and silly conjecture. Well, it is an island, but not the only one in the world that is a nation. More tantalizing, for my little philosophical musings, is the notion that I have found my being, my “is,” in the land whose websites end in “is.” It must’ve been preordained. Or not.)



I had to do more exploring. Up the street, on Laugavegur, the Icewear store had gorgeous selections. I can’t articulate why I did not buy one there. Size? Style? I just was not psychologically ready. The fellow there was also gracious and patient. Both Nordic Store and Icewear were curiously empty of customers around noon. The guy at Icewear told me to try their store down the hill, closer to my apartment. Before that I stopped at 66º North. A decent but limited assortment of blacks, blues, grays. I went to the Icewear store, downstairs to the Vault. A few folks from Maryland were there, a couple. The woman seemed to be on the same sort of mission and knew sweaters. Then the fellow there mentioned The Handknitters Association of Iceland store. That was it. I would have to go there. Trond had mentioned it to us as he dropped off tourists at the end of the day the night before. I had to see what it offered.



I was hungry. Time for lunch. I was arrested by a sign at Prikid, on Bankastraeti, that declared it was the “oldest restaurant / cafe in Iceland.” (What does that even mean and how would one prove it?) It was inviting, giving off a simple 1950s American diner vibe. And looking at the menu sold me on it. I was up for a breakfast meal in the afternoon. I sat at a table by the window, able to view the streams of tourists. I had the Breakfast of Champions, the title of a Kurt Vonnegut work: scrambled eggs, tea, toast, oranges, bacon, and skyr. I had been urged to try skyr. I am glad I did. It is the original “Greek” yogurt that Icelanders have been eating a thousand years. Some crunchy granola or nuts on top was a literal crowning achievement. Prikid had the weird feel of a bar and a diner. It wasn’t rowdy, and was akin to an Irish pub in that it served as a haven for regulars, including an ostensible writer or two (counting myself). Old black and white photos of writers adorned the walls. I thought one was Henry Miller, but Geoffrey, one of the managers, informed me it was not.



While on Bankastraeti, I saw the lady who had waited on me at Nordic Store. We exchanged smiles. I nearly blurted out to her that I had yet to buy a sweater.



Even for one who is not a knitter (owing to clumsy hands and a restive nature), The Handknitting Association of Iceland store was dazzling: shelves lining the walls with cardigans, pullovers in several colors and styles, though not dozens of styles. I suspect they go through cycles as to what varieties of color and design are offered. Just as I love the smells of a hardware store in America, I loved the playful kaleidoscope of colors here (not that I could specify a smell or fragrance; more a woolishness in the air). You would have to work at feeling gloomy. I tried on three sweaters, all pullovers: a white one with gray and black subsidiary designs; a red one with blue and green; a charcoal one with white and gray. I was torn. I’d try one on and then waltz up to the front room and ask the clerk at the desk what she thought, seeking validation per usual in my life. (Is it a writer thing?) On the white one: “Sure, it looks very attractive. It’s good.” Me: “I don’t know. I look washed out.” Then the red one. Again, positive reviews by two clerks, and a Chinese young woman trying on more sweaters than I was. “Get that one. Red is a lucky color in China.” Me: “But I’ll look like a Christmas ornament. It’s too flamboyant.” “All the women in the room will like it. The design pattern stands for the church,” she said referring to the spire of Hallgrímskirkja, which dominates the city’s viewshed. That would be the tiebreaker. The sanctified endorsement would seal the deal. Hold on. Not quite. I eliminated the white one. Down to two. I tried on the red one and the charcoal sweater again. I concluded the red one was too special, as if reserved for Christmas or special occasions. It had too much of “lookie here!” The young clerk at the front desk agreed. I finally went with the charcoal, with a design signifying waves. It picks up my gray hair and gray goatee as well as the remnants of black hair I have (or persist in believing I have). 

I am glad with the choice I made. If my buying process paints me as as a fop or a dandy, so be it. It was an investment coupled with a statement. I knew it would be a remembrance, iconic of a journey. “Waves”? Sure. I’ll take that as a framework for this journey. I’ve even slept in this sweater. It is cozily warm and a work of art. I view it as a wise move, and unabashedly a conversation starter.

Wednesday, December 02, 2015

backing in

What's the obsession, the compulsion, with backing in? Go to a large parking lot, say a mall or a superstore, and voila! you are apt to see someone, typically in a big boat of a vehicle, a ponderous and ostentatious truckload of metal and chrome, stopping, pausing, and slowing up the works by doing a K-turn just so they can back into the parking space they have found. Sure, you can accuse me of my own solipsism, posturing an indignant attitude because said drivers are slowing ME, ME, ME. But honestly what's the point? It escapes me. They always seem to want to make a big deal of it, as if to say, "Hey, plebe, look at me. I not only found a space for my metal hull on wheels, I am ready to zip outta here, unlike you, you moron. I'm ready to go. A modern speedster firmly and sure-footedly planted in The Land of the Free and Wait While I Do This." True, no one has ever uttered one syllable expressing such thoughts, but I have a fertile, and febrile, imagination.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

human touch

Not just any touch. Human. After today's healing service, at St. Paul's Cathedral, downtown Syracuse, I wondered, "Why does this move me so?" When the priest puts the oil of chrism on my forehead, and even more when her hands press upon the top of my head, I am moved. I am touched, literally and figuratively. Why is that? Is it out of a deep hunger? A longing for human warmth and connection? To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, in "Prufrock," it is that and so much more. But if I am honest, it is not touch alone. It is smell as well, though I can't seem to name any. (There was no incense, yet in some deep recess the burning wax of candles resonates, I'm sure. And bread, morsels of sacred bread. Isn't all bread sacred? In our family, as kids, back in Stamford, Connecticut, if we dropped bread from the kitchen table, where we dined, our custom was to pick the bread up and kiss it. Was the practice imported from Poland or Slovakia? I should ask my mom, 98.) So today, snowflakes touched my skin, or could have, this late in cruellest April, but they ain't human. My head will touch my pillow and find comfort there, but it ain't human. Which begs the rank and obvious question, "Am I human?" That is not as morose or as depressing as you might first think. Back in high school, Father Giuliani often said we had to be human before anything else, certainly before we could claim to be Christian (or atheist, for that matter). What is it to be human? You could make an argument, couldn't you, that the absence of touch, inhabiting the arid, monastic cells of the Desert Fathers, vacant of human touch beyond my own skin, my own fragrance, would pin me with the solipsistic label inhuman.

Tuesday, April 07, 2015

autodidact

Sometimes, in this white space (though what color, really, exists in the digitalsphere?) I wonder if I am merely speaking to one person who is listening, i.e., myself. And yet if that is so, that is okay too. T.S. Eliot wrote somewhere that a poem is not completed until it is heard or read by someone, even if that "someone" is the poet.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

taking my digital temperature

I tend to be obsessed with taking my digital temperature. I often take it many times a day. And I can't seem to stop myself. No amount of willpower can prevent it once I yield to that fixation. It's not what you think. It's not a solipsistic medical obsession. It goes deeper than that. Taking my digital temp goes right to my soul. You think I am afraid of fever or variations in body temperature? No, that's not it at all. I told you, it's deeper than that. This solipsistic obsession is very modern, au courant. I go to CreateSpace, the self-publishing arm of Amazon, and check daily sales figures of my four self-published books. I allow myself to feel glum if nothing shows up or to feel cheerful, even elated, if I find a few hits, a few sales. I check similar data at KDP, Kindle Direct Publishing. I check sales of these same books in electronic versions, from around the globe. If I told you the highs and lows of these daily, even hourly numbers, you might find yourself rolling on the floor laughing. Or crying. (Don't we have Internet acronyms for these emotional outbursts?) But what of my own emotional outbursts, no, inbursts? What possesses me? What is this hunger? It cannot possibly be about money. The amount are laughably or cryably or pitiably minuscule. Is it approval or validation? What is this craving? What drives it? What emptiness am I trying to fill? What would constitute enough? And why would I want more after that? U2 sang, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." I have to ponder the question before the question: why am I even looking? 

Thursday, September 25, 2014

arriving at the ultimate

The signs say PLANET SELF STORAGE. I wondered: Where indeed is that planet where you store your self? Do you store your old self in hopes of finding a new one? I suspect it is a planet without a name, perhaps not yet discovered. If you store your self on this planet, is it like a pawn shop where you can get your self out of hock in exchange for a metaphysical fee? Perhaps I am wrong, and the signs refer to Planet Self, where everything but self is stored there, in bins and large portable containers waiting to be pried open as the performers do on those faux-reality shows. Old bureaus, photos, silverware, eight-track tape players, magazines, moth-eaten fur coats, 78 rpm records, diapers, corn husks, rusty fenders, baseballs, petticoats, linoleum, gold bars. But no self. Self is the name of the planet, and it is the only celestial body in the universe called Solipsism. No, that's a stretch. Then again PLANET SELF STORAGE may be a coded message, a preachment to get right with the cosmos, figure out whom to serve, what to keep, what to let go. Naw.

Next door to PLANET SELF STORAGE is ULTIMATE ARRIVAL. ULTIMATE ARRIVAL may be the key to the riddle of PLANET SELF STORAGE. Or else it's a merely a tease. Because down the street a bit further is the GEM. And the GEM may be the answer to all these conjectures, though I forgot what they are.


Sunday, July 06, 2014

start here

The default for digital maps is me, or you. It all starts with me, the little pushpin showing my whereabouts, as a starting point. So Google Maps and all the others are saying, "The world really does revolve around me." Or you, as the case may be. Is this a good default? Does this make the world flat? Columbus would not have gotten very far with notion. Same goes for Magellan, Hudson, da Gama, and the other seafarers. So, solipsism finally wins the day. For solipsists. For me. Or you.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

'you don't understand'

I'm afraid I don't understand you (or you, either) and I dare say no one understands another. Not completely, not inside the skin, within the neural system, not entirely. Doesn't neuroscience confirm this more and more with every study? (I don't know. You tell me.) What I mean is, "what I want you to understand is," we think (enough with the italics already!) we know what another person feels and thinks. We claim we understand the other person's perspective. We feel we share a perception. We say this especially for those who are related to us by blood (parents and children and siblings and so forth). We say this about those we love. Or hate. Therapist and patient claim it. Business partners. Clients and associates. Intimate friends. Lovers. But it's silly, really, to think two infinitely different universes of experience can somehow overlap or merge or align perfectly. It's absurd to imagine that the river of solipsism can be so fordable. These are not cynical assertions. True, when we have glimpses of this "understanding" of another, they are rewarding, even exhilarating. There are such moments, or we at least perceive them as moments of shared illumination. Wonderful. I celebrate that, I salute it. And isn't this what art, music, literature, poetry, ballet, painting, sculpture, film, even sports do? Yes. But these are fleeting glimpses, glimpses we are thrilled by. We are grateful for such moments. But they are rare, in my view; if not rare, not commonplace. I suppose there is no way to prove or disprove this conclusively. But I posit that "you don't understand" is the norm among humans, except perhaps for conjoined twins. Hence, the study of semantics, semiotics, diplomacy, sociology, linguistics, psychology, philosophy, neuroscience, anthropology, et cetera ad nauseam ad infinitum. Mirabile dictu. Mirabile visu.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

vacuum

My biological purgatorium event went fine, thanks.

You might infer, from the paucity, nay, the nullity, of comments to my posts that no one reads this, that these postings reside in a solipsistic vacuum, as it were.

You might think that, but, nay, it is not quite so.

I have data showing that people from all around the world visit this blog.

They may be mum, but, um, they're my mums.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

beard sliver

fetishistically picking at his beard he suffered a sliver of silver whisker stuck in his forefinger, a minuscule bit of his own stubble that he had to extract by biting off (more than he could chew)

a metaphor in there somewhere

of solipsism and its hazards?

the SOL of the solipsist?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Spooky

Maybe I'm paranoiac, as well as solipsistic, but it's unnerving to check on who is visiting my blog and then see that someone on Road Runner came to the site from "United States."

That's it:

"United States."

It's just creepy, to have the location specified no more than that.

Even when Google visits me, I know it's Mountain View, California.

Kind of spooky.

Am I being spied on?

How could harmless, naked-to-the-world, little ol' me be a threat to anyone?

Then again, I suppose it is equally creepy that I have at least some capacity to see who my readers are.

Carry on.

Laugh. Or.

Else.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Solipsism, Exposed.

Today, Father Jim B., in a teaching before the Celebration of the Eucharist, quoted a phrase attributed to Martin Luther (some say it goes back to Saint Augustine):

incurvatus in se

This lusciously descriptive Latin phrase describes a life turned so inward upon itself as to exclude God and others: sin, by any other name (solipsism, if you prefer).

Friday, February 06, 2009

Self-Tagellation

Dan Zak in The Washington Post of February 6, 2009 (today; it's today but someday someone will read this and it won't be today, though it will be the today of that day) writes amusingly about being tagged on Facebook with the virally popular "25 Random Things About Me." I'm not on Facebook. Should I be? I don't like being tagged. It seems silly. Sometimes. It makes me feel so, so, I don't know, like my personal space has been violated, like kids in sixth grade "tagging" me with cooties. But that's just me. Today people get tagged with unwanted cookies, instead of cooties, come to think of it. Maybe I'll be on Facebook before today, this today, is over. Anyway, I hereby tag myself. (I didn't even know I was into self-tagellation, but it's fitting for a blog that invites "solipsistic sophists.")

Here goes.


25 Random Things About Me

1. Last week I discovered I don't care that much for Bruce Springsteen, not anymore; though that can change, like anything else.

2. I have my doubts.

3. Crying comes easy.

4. For parts of 30 years I've had a recurring nightmare about lying about not drinking alcohol.

5. Right this minute, I am sitting in a coffeehouse, wearing only one sock, nothing else (won't say where -- the coffeehouse is, or the sock).

6. I am already tired of doing this.

7. I want to miscount on this list and see if anyone notices.

8. Thirty days in a chipaholic rehab center did not cure me of my potato chip addiction.

9. My pantyhouse is itching me.

10. I do not shower every day and don't mind at all.

11. I like aromatic soaps.

12. My deodorant is very expensive, from Crabtree & Evelyn.

13. When I was under 10 years old, I tried to call Willie Mays.

14. Sometimes I wish I were a priest.

15. Walking the dog alone is often my favorite part of the day.

16. I'm not ready to die, but maybe I am.

17. I've read very little of Soren Kierkegaard; I love the name.

18. I envy enormously people who can gracefully and seemingly effortlessly do anything physical, things like rollerskate or ice skate or dance or swim or play the piano.

19. Now I'm enjoying doing this.

20. I am still angry that Mr. Tunick hit me and sent me shocked and reeling to the floor in junior high.

21. I feel guilty (slightly) that I haven't sprinkled this list with references to my wife and children, but, hey, they should make their own lists!

22. I like the number 22, its palindromic endlessness.

23. I wonder if there is a heaven and hell; purgatory was always hard to accept; more so, limbo.

24. It was probably (almost certainly) the best thing to shuck my job a year ago, but bitterness sometimes sneaks in about how it went down.

25. When I was very little, I loved to rub my fingers along the silk border of the blankets, especially along the sewn nubs, hypnotically entrancing me.

Consider yourself tagged.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Discernment

Yes, I do get visitors to this forum, not a ton by entertainment standards, but typically a steady daily stream. (A steady daily stream. There's a seventh-grade joke in there somewhere.)

In the last several months, though, I rarely receive comments. (Is it a forum, really? Or more of a Monologue Echo Chamber?)

A. This is exactly what a solipsistic blogger gets and deserves. (After all, I rarely comment at other blogs, except during periodic comment-binges.)

B. So, do I eliminate the capability for others to comment?

C. Does doing so make this blog more pure?

D. Or does it miss the whole communal point of it all?

E. And are these questions merely fraudulent attempts to garner comments via a slightly veiled, though readily transparent, manner?


(Echo-echo-echo-echo-echo.........)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Nary a Solipsist Among 'em



According to The New York Times, the vogue pejorative term is narcissist, used to describe such wide-ranging folks as A-Rod, Madonna, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Jamie Lynn Spears, and Senator Chuck Hagel. Aw, c'mon. Anyone can be a narcissist, but it takes a special kind of narcissist to be a certified solipsist. Incidentally, in this image by Ron Barrett, from the Times's article, you'd have to erase "others" (well, everything else, too) to get to the level of solipsism that the Modern Age aspires to (by the way, something castigated today by the pope in Australia).

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Ooops! They Did It Again (and Again and Again)

You must have heard about the couples -- married, no less -- who did

I t

every day again and again and again and again and again and again and again and agai -- you get the point. . . consecutively 365 days (more or less) in one case; 101 days in the other.

Yow!

And of course they kissed (insert a more lubricious verb here) and told. In book form.

Natch, this was, and is, one of the most e-mailed articles at the New York Times website.

A few items gleaned (or should I say glanced, or maybe glans?) from the article:

-- American marrieds do The Deed on average 66 times a year (that's skewed by younger couples who score on average 84 times a year).

-- These were two independent projects; the two couples didn't know each other; one couple was evangelical Christian; the other was granola lefty.

-- One couple persisted, even after the husband had a bout of, um, um, vertigo.

-- The big question among sex therapists and others: does more sex make you closer? Or do those who are closer have more sex?

-- The article makes no mention of Kama Sutra gymnastics the couples resorted to in order to stay awake.

If you read the linked article, you'll find the expected array of clever wordplay and innuendos.

Innuendo. Isn't that a word that just begs for a sexual joke? (Small world: I see that innuendo relates etymologically to numen, which I blogged about recently.)

As for lubricious, I love that word.

Maybe it will become my new fave word, replacing solipsistic and its various forms.

I even like the audible for lubricious over at Merriam-Webster.

Monday, April 28, 2008

333

This is my 333rd post, a trinitarian's trifecta to the third power.

Is a cumulative 333 a total opposite, an antidote, to the beastly 666?

The blogosphere abounds with more consistent bloggers, and those that are funnier, deeper, less ephemeral, more political, more literary, more philosophical, more authentic, more sincere, and more consequential, by far. Many upon many.

But not many upon many who solipsistically touch and gallop and swerve and swagger through such a thicket of topics, eh?

Words, and Then Some

Too many fled Spillways mouths Oceans swill May flies Swamped Too many words Enough   Said it all Spoke too much Tongue tied Talons claws sy...