Funny Googlenopes

Herewith, with full credit and attribution to The Washington Post, are some very amusing Googlenopes:

Report from Week 865 of The Style Invitational

in which we sought yet more Googlenopes -- phrases that still yielded that "no results found" icon when you offer them to the Universe's Biggest Search Engine. Once again, some of the thousands of 'Nopes submitted were just convenient misspellings of names. For all the results below -- which were still unique at press time -- the phrases were entered within quotation marks. Capitalization didn't matter in the searches.

Several entrants noted to the Empress that they were more amazed by the phrases that did produce a few hits, such as "National Beet Day" (discovered by Tom Kreitzberg) or "the wisdom of Tom Cruise" (noted by Russell Beland). These have been called Googleyups, and yes, we'll have to get to them. (We have already done Googlewhacks, in which there is exactly one hit.)

The winner of the Inker

Both "Nobody understands me like my husband" and "Nobody understands me like my wife" (Mark Richardson, Washington)

2. the winner of the nine-inch-long black gummi rat:

"I was persuaded by the picket sign" (Dan Steinberg, Silver Spring)

3. "President Obama wigs" (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)

4. "I lost lots of weight by eating better and exercising" (Sheri Tardio, Prince Frederick)

None: The Less -- Honorable mentions

"Lady Gaga wore a modest" . . . (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

"Muhammad Halloween masks" (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"I always lift the toilet seat for my husband" (David Thorne, Washington, a First Offender)

"Now I understand all of 'Lost' " (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

"He's so spacey his brain farts cause global warming" (Roy Ashley, Washington)

"We've decided to name our baby Eyjafjallajökull" (Dan Gordon, Arlington)

"The Vatican reversed its policy on" . . . (Dan Ramish, Washington)

"How to style your hair like Rod Blagojevich" (Steve Offutt, Arlington)

"Hiking the Appalachian Trail with your wife" (Steve Offutt)

"Find me an Amway dealer" (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

"The GOP leadership sought a compromise" (Anne Paris, Arlington)

"The Yiddish word for 'splurge' " (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

"I wish Bush were still in the White House" (Dan Ramish)

"They filled the pothole right away" (Ben Aronin, Arlington)

"Our priest is celibate" (Kevin Dopart)

"My ex-husband is an angel" (Kathy Bacskay, Lorton, a First Offender)

"Brief remarks by the House speaker" (Jeff Contompasis)

"I was outraged by that 'Family Circus' cartoon" (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon)

"If wishes were horses, birthday parties would reek." (Rachel A. Bernhardt, Silver Spring)

"employed in Novi, Mich." (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)

"Kitty Kelley's balanced portrayal of" . . . (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

"The Manischewitz's refined bouquet" (Mike Gips, Bethesda)

"French spam recipes" (Craig Dykstra)

"beloved Redskins kicker" (Ward Kay, Vienna)

"tattoos your mom will love" (Judy Blanchard)

"Scranton getaway vacations" (Kevin Dopart)

"I don't know, so I'll say nothing." (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

"unwanted strip of bacon" (Russell Beland)

"My cat really cares about me" (Dan Klein, McLean)

"the world's second-largest microbrewery" (Russell Beland)

"Facebook: A better mousetrap" (Ben Aronin)

"the best of the feel-good Russian novels" (Michael Woods, Arlington)

"Three animals were harmed in the making of this movie" (Russell Beland)

"The Amish Justin Timberlake" (Craig Dykstra)

"I laughed at The Style Invitational" (Kevin Dopart)

Next week: Natalie Portmanteau, or Overlappellations

© 2010 The Washington Post Company

this just in

. . . some ink sans nom de plume

(L)inkage

As noted in The Washington Post's Style Invitational:

You just might be an embarrassment to your child if you . . .

and

You just might have a substance abuse problem if you. . .

Enjoy!

Hat Trick!

Today has been a banner day:

solid work prospects

and

a Washington Post Style Invitational three-peat:

Report From Week 749

in which we asked you to come up with entirely new meanings for existing words beginning with A- through H-, so that "Opus" cartoonist Berkeley Breathed wouldn't have to use our old ones anymore:

The Empress received untold zillions of entries for this contest -- so many that she's spreading the results over this week and next, with two sets of prizes. Kevin Dopart of Washington alone sent 288 entries. So when you see his name over and over below, just remember that the vast majority of Kevin's entries were blithely tossed into the trash, just as yours were.

Some of the results play a little hard to get, as it were: You have to pronounce the vowels in the word differently or break the syllables differently, or both. For example, "Headdress: Mister," by (who else) Kevin Dopart, is supposed to be read "he-address." Entries firmly of this type are italicized.

We also received some very clever descriptions of the words' actual meanings. Among the best of these was "Head cold: Rheum at the Top," by Chris Doyle. We'll do that contest again sometime, too.

4. Book: Ms. Derek, now that she's no longer a 10. (Alistair Beck, North Saanich, B.C., a First Offender)

3. Conning tower: A Madison Avenue skyscraper. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

2. the winner of the "Many Moods of Farrah" doll-head shadow box:

Cremate: Coffee-Mate's unsuccessful initial brand name. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the Winner of the Inker
Arms Akimbo: The notorious Nigerian gunrunner. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Low Def: Honorable Mentions

Abjectness: The degree to which your belly protrudes. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Adverb: Buy! (Duncan Seed, Robin Hood's Bay, North Yorkshire, England)

Accordion: The result of a Honda's collision with a Peterbilt. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Alabaster: How a lesbian couple's baby might be conceived. (Jean Lightner Norum, Charlottesville)

Algebra: Lingerie worn by mermaids. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Apostle: What a Bostonian takes to the post office. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Arsenal: Completely, all-inclusive. (Bird Waring, New York)

Aspiration: the trickle of sweat that runs down past your back on a hot summer day. (Morris Davis, Gainesville, a First Offender)

Ballpark: An athletic supporter. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)

Bandage: Instruments, amps, mikes, cocaine, etc. (Tom Witte)

Bandicoots: The Rolling Stones. (Gary Hevel, Silver Spring)

Barfly: To get airsick. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Barstool: The [stuff] a lawyer tells you. (Russell Beland)

Bassoonist: An optimistic fisherman. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

Bedpan: An unfavorable MySpace review after a hookup. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Benchmark: Telltale sign on the rear end of a third-string player. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

Biceps: Half of a forceps. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Binary: This is another thing that's true of Iran. -- M. Ahmadinejad (Kevin Dopart)

Blunderbuss: To French-kiss your boss's wife at the office Christmas party. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Bombard: A battlefield poet. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Boron: A chem major at a party. (Kevin Dopart)

Braid: The part of the male consciousness that drives him to look at a women's chest. (Russell Beland)

Bristling: A newly circumcised baby. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Bumpkin: A hit man from the Family. (Beverley Sharp)

Buttonhole: What Asians call a Western toilet. (Dan Ramish, Vienna)

Camel toe: The toe of a camel. (Peter Metrinko)

Cardamom: A bar's policy to flatter middle-aged women by always asking for ID. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

Catapult: A hairball. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Charmed: Burn ointment. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis)

Cherish: Describing many a drag queen. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Coliseum: Lassie finds Timmy. (Ellen Raphaeli)

Crayfish: Not nearly as impressive as IBM chess. (Kevin Dopart)

Cryptic: The Triple-A Driving Tour of Famous Cemeteries. (Mel Loftus)

Cupola: Breast enhancement scams. (Pawlie Kokonuts, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Danger: Someone who uses only the mildest swear words. (Horace LaBadie, Dunnellon, Fla.)

Davenport: A safe place for Jews to pray. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Distribute: A nasty eulogy. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Dowager: To bet on the Pillsbury Bake-Off. (Phyllis Reinhard)

Eggs Benedict: The pope's edict on fertility treatments. (Pawlie Kokonuts)

Effrontery: The missionary position. (Tom Witte)

Electrocute: Use a Hello Kitty taser. (Kevin Dopart)

Electrons: Supporter of Rep. Paul -- highly charged, with an eccentric orbit. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Empty-handed: Punished by a Saudi court. (Chris Doyle)

Exorbitant: A former astronaut. (Phyllis Reinhard)

Fahrenheit: Moderately tall. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)

Fan letter: K. (Chris Doyle)

Flaccid: Lousy LSD. (Randy Lee, Burke)

Flatus: The region between the Appalachians and the Rockies. (Randy Lee)

Foliage: A class of congressional pages. (Dan Ramish)

Gamma ray: Norma's nana. (Phyllis Reinhard)

G-spot: A mild reproach to a dog. (Duncan Seed)

Halitosis: The disease your computer gets when it refuses to do what you want it to do. (Bill Spencer, Baltimore)

Harlot: Someone who'll laugh on and on at any stupid joke the boss makes. (Pawlie Kokonuts)

Hispanic: What Lou Dobbs demonstrates every time he opens his mouth about immigration. (Christopher Lamora)

Hoaxer: Jack the Ripper. (Phyllis Reinhard)

Hootenannies : A restaurant where all the waitresses are grandmas in tight T-shirts. (Mel Loftus)

Hungarian: Someone who's always on a diet. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Next Week: More of the Same, or The Language Gone to H

© 2008 The Washington Post Company

Stylin'

Since it's right up my Laughoristic alley,

and because I have enjoyed past successes accordingly,

I may be away several days,

working on The Syle Invitational.

(Previous returns are no guarantee of future results.)

Assorted R-A-T-S

In The Washington Post's Style Invitational weekly humor contest, the contest was to create words containing, contiguously, the letters A, S, T and R, in any order.

Here's a sampling:

Fourth Runner-up: First-Rationalizer: Unofficial title of the White House press secretary. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Third Runner-up: E-fenestration: tossing out your old version of Windows. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Second Runner-up: The winner of the dinosaur poop fossil: Retrash: To have a yard sale to get rid of all the junk you picked up at other people's yard sales. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

And the Winner Of the Inker:

Oughtacrats: People who have half a mind to solve all the world's problems with their brilliant ideas, one of these days . . . (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

The STRA-gglers:

Overstraightment: I am not gay. I never have been gay. The men I have sex with are not gay either. (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii)

Dorkestra: A kazoo ensemble. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Drivertashk: A DUI test. "See, offisher, I can touch my noezh! Gimme another drivertashk, like balanshing on the light wine!" (Randy Lee, Burke)

Arstistic: Able to make creative butt-pictures on the photocopier. (Stacey Kenkeremath, Alexandria)

Reprocrastinate: Put off having children. (Dan and Suzanne Colilla, Pittsburgh)

I-strain: What egotists give others. (Tom Witte)

B'arstool: What's left after a grizzly sits in the woods. (Chris Doyle)

Aversatile: Repelled by anything. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

The rest of the "winners" (also fondly known as Losers) are here.

Typically, the "honorable mentions" are even funnier than the top winners. Agree?


(Notice: Pawlie Kokonuts, The Erstwhile Laughorist, may take a week off from blogging to work on a short story or two, in an attempt to get published in the real world, using his real non-nom de plume. Carry on.)

Googlenopes

Being wrung out from another Monday that has me pondering self-inflicted retirement, I offer you someone else's humor:

A Googlenope is a term coined by Gene Weingarten of The Washington Post. It means you get no hits on Google when the words are enclosed by quotation marks. The Googlenopes linked right here are courtesy of The Style Invitational of The Washington Post. (Of course, now they may no longer qualify as Googlenopes.)

My personal favorite is:

"DIY Extreme Unction" submitted by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, Maryland.

(Elden and I have chatted on the phone but have never met, though we almost ran into one another at a Loserpalooza about 10 years ago. Fate had other plans.)

I submitted some examples, but none made the Googlenope grade, as judged by The Empress.

By popular demand (at least as demanded by Glamourpuss), here are my entries:

1. my hemorrhoids are like asteroids
2. Only my gynecologist knows for sure
3. Ich bin ein Style Invitational Loser [or Verlierer]
4. fight global hamming
5. birth-control device = children
6. 24/7 times 365 except for Armageddon
7. make sure all words are spelled corectly
8. my children are flying magpies
9. dance of the seven veils and one lonely rhino
10. media mucilage
11. name-recognition mucilage
12. the mucilage of one faux pas
13. faux pas mucilage
14. 1,212-step program
15. Harry Potter's knickers fetish
16. do I get paid in euros, dollars, or goat cheese?
17. your sister, she needs immigration help, yes?
18. I am John Edwards's hair and I want to be your president
19. It was a serial-comma killing punctuated by ejaculatory expletives
20. your kilt is rising, alas
21. Bonds retorted, kiss my asterisk
22. your cat is healthy snack
23. I have a 36-ounce Adirondack slugger

You decide if my schtuff merited ink.

Snapple Wisecrackle and Pop!

You know those little "factuals" that accompany your victuals (properly pronounced 'vi-tils) that you find on the inside of Snapple bottle caps? (Click on the preceding Snapple link for examples of random "Real Facts.")

Well, The Washington Post asked readers to invent humorous "Unreal Facts," obviously neither as real nor as factual as those items on the inside of Snapple lids, but much funnier.

The results are very clickable, linked here from today's Style Invitational.

It will be hard for you not to pass these along.

Cheers.

Or should I say, "Bottoms up!"?

Candidates' Cant

Of course, the most delightful thing about blogging is self-publishing. Who needs Corporate Publishing America (CPA), when we can publish ourselves?

To wit: The Style Invitational of The Washington Post published humorous suggestions for presidential candidates' slogans. Some of my faves were:

Dick Cheney: Why Settle for the Lesser of Two Evils? (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Lorena Bobbitt: If Elected I Will Not Sever (Russell Beland)

Lance Armstrong: One Tough Nut (Ben Aronin, Washington)

Texas Gov. Rick Perry: You Know He'll "Faithfully Execute" (Mark Eckenwiler)

But, alas, I must report that none of my entries to this humor contest were deemed funny enough to see the light of day (or were considered too crude for a family newspaper and its online counterpart, or were nearly identical to the suggestions of too many other entrants).

So, in the interest of full disclosure and fully realized Laughorist humor, here are my suggestions (pared down to my favorites) for presidential slogans:

Sam Brownback: Brownback. Not wetbacks.

Hillary Rodham Clinton: It Takes an Electoral College.

Hillary Rodham Clinton: I Won't Blow It.

Barack Obama: Barack to the Future.

John McCain: Give war a chance.

Rudolph Giuliani: Here's your president, right here.