saving grace

you know, I saved a baby
what do you mean you saved a baby; from what?
it was choking
it was choking?
it was choking, a newborn
where?
I don't know where
what do you mean you don't know where, what?
even if I knew I wouldn't tell you
stop playing games
what games? 
so, tell me
tell you what?
what happened
I was working at 911, the mother called
and...
and I walked her through it, what to do
like what?
turn the baby over, pound the back
pound?
well, not exactly pound
so it worked?
it did
it did?
yes, thank God
or thanks to you
both
both?
both me and God
the three of you?
yeah, okay, then, sure, me, Mom, and God
the baby, too
true, why not, throw the baby in there, too
saving grace
if you say so
I do
fair enough
was that her name?
hunh?
Grace
I don't know, I never found out
good story
it's not a story
but it is
if you say so

lag time

You said it didn't bother you.
It didn't.
So what's the big problem then.
It's not a problem. It bothers me now, though.
Why now.
I don't know. There's a lag time.
Lag time.
Yeah, I need time to process things.
Process. Like a food processor. Or a word processor.
No. Nothing like that.
So, it's like what.
It's like nothing. I just need time to process. My emotions.
Lag time.
Correct.
What do they lag behind.
What.
I said, what do those emotions lag behind.
Nothing. Forget I mentioned it.
Is it like jet lag.
I said drop it.
Laggard.
Name-caller. Haggard name-caller.

different

We put in the new fridge.
When I was gone?
Everything should be all set.
Good. Thanks.
Let us know if you have any problems. The settings work. You should be okay now. Your freezer works, the bottom part, too.
Okay. Thanks again.
We'll see.
How's it working?
It was working fine. Just fine. Should be okay.
That's good. That's good. Glad to hear. Thanks again.

Hey, how's that fridge?
Oh. My new refrigerator.
Everything okay?
It seems to be all right. I put some water in a plastic container to see if it freezes. I did that for the top and the bottom. The freezer. And the regular, whatever you call that part. The refrigerator.
And?
Does what it's supposed to do. Freezer and nonfreezer. So far, so good.
Figured it would. Perfect.
There's one thing. Not exactly perfect. I almost don't want to mention it. It's . . . 
What's that? The temperature ain't right?
No, no, no.
What?
No, yeah. No, never mind.
C'mon, what?
It's nothing. Nothing really. It's . . . 
Tell me.
The doors.
Oh! That! Yes, we know they're on backwards.
It's not really backwards. I mean, the doors work and everything. They're just different. Now I have to open from the right side.
Give us a few days.
I can adjust. Really.
No problem. We'll fix it.
Well, it's not really broken. It's . . . 
We'll fix it.
You don't have to. I was going to make it a little challenge every day. I keep grabbing for the handle on the left side. I forget. But I'll learn.
Yeah, yeah. We'll fix that next week.
The doors are really perfectly fine. They're just different. Nothing's really wrong. I feel so silly.
We'll fix it. Hits the cabinets, right?
No. Not really.
We're gonna fix it. I'll call you next week.
It's just different.
Have a good day.
You, too.

ghost town

I'll get back to you
Text me
Call me
No reply (Beatles song)
The sounds of silence (Simon & Garfunkel)
wyd
What's up
Hey you
Hey there
'Sup
Nothing said
Null set
Crickets
But they said they'd...
Lost my contacts
new phone, who dis
But he said that
Zero-sum game
Ghosted me
But she said that
Ghosted
I'll get back to ya
I was drying my hair
My dog died
Do you believe in ghosts
Did you get my text
Blocked
Disappeared
Pristine
clean slate
call security
can you hear me now
How about now
They said I made the short list
She promised
I was supposed to get a callback
Can you hear me
He promised
Not even crickets
What happened
They promised
Whatever
Dead air
Still waiting
on hold
 

double identity indemnity

Hey, aren't you . . . ?
No, yeah, no. Wait. Aren't you . . . ?
Who? I don't think so. I'm . . . 
Aren't you what's-his-name . . . ?
Heh, heh, anybody can be what's-his-name.
Huh huh, got you.
Like I said, I'm . . . 
Yeah, right. You look just like him. You know, he . . . 
I guess you're right. I do look like him.
Totally.
It's been a while, hasn't it.
It has. Truly.
You're good?
I'm good. You?
Been better.
What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong. The regular stuff.
The regular stuff.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah. But you can tell me. After all we've been through.
After all we've been through.
It's nothing.
Come on.
Naw, it's nothing.
I can tell it's something.
A minute ago you were acting like you hardly knew me.
Me? No way.
Yes. Remember?
Yeah, no. I don't know. Maybe. Whatever.
It'll pass.
What will?
It's nothing. Like I said.
I get it.
Yeah.
Hey, I gotta get uptown. I'll hit you up later.
Yeah. Me too. Yeah. Hit me up later.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
Shrill screech of subway brakes as train pulls in to station.

he said she said they said it said

[insert smartphone text notification sound after each entry below, as appropriate, or inappropriate: piano tinkling, bell chime, shotgun, thunder, guitar twang, lion's roar, fart, burp, post-orgasmic sigh, trumpet blare, car horn, alarm, jet roar . . . ]

Dad: where are you?

Mom: hey, you.

Girlfriend: wyd

Friend A: 'sup?

Brother: hi there

Dad: frown emoji

Ex-gf from 1986: Where ya been all my life?

Sister:  where've you been today

Friend B: wtf

Girlfriend: wya

Friend C: wanna hang out

Ex-gf from 2015: Netflix n chill?

Girlfriend: whats your problem

Sprint: your bill is available online

Other brother: you got 20 bux till tmrw???

Friend C: hey, can I borrow like 20$

Mom: hello????!!???

Girlfriend now ex-gf: fuck offfuck you, you fuk and I'm pregnant

Dad: do you have the keys to the Mustang?

Ex-gf from 2018: I had your baby did you know dat

Friend A: u alive?

Ex-gf from 2015: Im in Kazakhstan dickface

Sister: u no i luv you dontcha

Mrs. Rivers, 7th grade English teacher: it's a gerund; know it now!

National Grid: your bill is overdue. your power will be cut off . . .  

Sister Mary Aloysius Gonzaga de Porres: that's a mortal sin

Dad: HELLO?

Brother: are you coming over now or not?

Dr. Ozcomert: are you breathing?

John Angleterre, boss:  Please be advised your position, and you in that position, have been terminated. Do not enter the premises under any circumstances under pain of arrest.

Sister: g'night love you talk tmrw

Private Number: Your appointment with Probation has been canceled. Please be advised it would be prudent if you were to assume a new name and Social Security number. Leave town now. Better yet, if you have a passport, leave the country. STAT.