Heaven's (Not Hell's) Bells

Although I consider Edgar Allan Poe vastly overrated, maybe he was onto something concerning the magic of bells.

A story in The New Yorker of April 27, 2009, about the bells of Russian monasteries, states:

"The curative and purifying properties of church bells are elaborated on numerous Russian Orthodox Web sites."

According to The New Yorker article, folklore, popular belief, and legend assert that the ringing of church bells:

• prevented the spread of plague and epidemics
• provides pain management
• kills flu viruses
• produces ultrasonic waves that "curdle the proteins of jaundice-causing virus cells"
• combats mental retardation in children
  
• encourages flax to grow (what exactly is flax? it was always listed as a major product in fourth-grade geography)
• purifies the air by activating super-lightweight microleptons
• wards off hurricanes
• dispels radiation
• relieves constipation
• stimulates erotic control centers in the cerebral cortex
• enables baseball hitters to hit more home runs
• turns Rush Limbaugh into a rational commentator

Okay, okay, so the last four bullet items were ringers (HAHAHAHAHAHA!) put in there by Pavel Laughorismovich Kokonuts. Just wanted to see if you were still reading.

Hey, even if half those things are true, ring away, ring my chimes!

(Remember The Gong Show?)